?

I mean. Is it too late? I don't know. Can we talk? I'm going deaf, my phone isn't my friend. The new boss has me working all the time, and, thank you Covid, I still barely have enough childcare to cover my action. So, I don't really have much to offer. I chased you for literal years. How many times did I ask if you had time to hang? Grab lunch? Whatever. And how many times was I rebuffed? I'm sorry you made a decision without my input and now you regret it. I was crushed. I really thought we were friends. I guess I made a unilateral decision, too. I just couldn't. It's not that I wanted more of your time, it's that I didn't want to hide so much. We couldn't do anything but hide, and I don't have the energy. I don't want any secrets any more. It's taxing and not who I am. I held space for you for a very long time. The last time I saw you, I was still pregnant. Now? My kid is four. I don't know what the future holds.

Too late?

 I just saw your post this morning. Literally this morning. 

I woke up with you on my mind. Not that that’s all that unusual. I dream about you all the time. I hear your voice in my sleep. I’m still stupid about you, really. 

Anyway, I went to our blog to read and remember what it felt like to be alive and not be just getting by or surviving or whatever. To feel alive and vibrant. I had no clue I hadn't been to the blog since probably 2018.

Before I respond to what you posted, I want to share four scenes of us I think about all the time.

One is just us in your office talking and hanging out. 

The next is us in the cemetery under blue skies.

Then (should I be using a numbered list?), I think about the night you fixed dinner for me and you commented on how normal it seemed. 

But, the big moment I think about was one afternoon when we were in your bed in your house and you were in my arms, asleep or almost so. It was the perfect afternoon outside, and you felt like you belonged there in my arms like no one ever had or ever would, and it was perfect. Absolutely perfect, except I knew it couldn’t last because of circumstances we were well aware of. It was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

It was like I couldn’t allow myself to imagine a future. 

Then, you weren’t “available physically” to me, which I was upset about, and then I realized you were serious about the new guy who became the new husband. You made it clear you wanted an honest life, and I wanted you to be happy and have a good marriage and a kid and all of that. So, out of respect for that and a large amount of hurt pride, I ducked out. 

I’m sorry I hurt you. I really thought I was doing what was best. I didn’t want to get in the way of you being a wife and mother or cause any other problems for you. I thought you were done with me, honestly, and I thought you were just letting me go as gently as you could.

Being without you has been one of the hardest things in my life ever. I miss your presence, your voice, your laugh, just every damn thing.

I’m sorry. 

Can we talk, or is it too late?

Closure?

I've thought about posting something here a million times. I miss you, but I realized the other day that you haven't seen me in three years or more. I'm crushed. I thought we were friends, but it feels like when I became physically unavailable to you because I needed to sort shit out, poof, you lost interest. That's unfair and not quite true. But once I got serious with the new husband -- who is cool with open marriages, by the way -- you were no longer okay with being my side piece or friend. I needed more. I'm sorry about that, but I couldn't just be with you if you weren't going to be with me. I hope you're happy. I really do. I used to hold out hope that you'd call or text or be all, "Hey, you know how you said you were open for lunch but you weren't going to chase me down any more?" But nope. Good luck. It was fun. It was intense. It was amazing. I saw a future.

A Response, Sorta

I finally got around to reading the blog, and I saw your post today.

I guess I have some thinking to do, and more importantly, I have some doing to do.

I love you. No doubt. And I don't keep a tally of how much I do and how much you do.

But, there's something else here. It's the future. It's serious time.

I'm married, you're not now, and I have no right to make claims on you, and likewise for you. I don't know if any of this is fair to anyone. I don't know why I let myself even entertain the future. Oh, I know, we feel good and "right" in our fairy tale. But, I can't be what you need, and I can't be what you want, and vice versa. Does that mean we're done? Do fairytales have to end?

Housekeeping

Thank you for the care you've been giving me over the last, oh, God, I don't even know. It's been years. YEARS. YEARS you have been supporting my crazy and telling me I'm strong and beautiful and I am worth more than I'm getting. You've been a source of positive reinforcement that has felt very clearly like it wasn't grounded in bullshit. I have appreciated that -- even though it's complicated and inconvenient -- it sure exists. But I've taken away way more than you have from this interaction. In showing you my weaknesses, I get strength. In showing you my detachment, I get love. I can't offer you what you deserve. I can't fundamentally improve your life or carry some of your weight. I want to do these things. I want to offer to drive you to funerals. To have meals with you. To help with the things that come up in your life -- like a friend. But, I can't. You have a wife who won't step-up to helpmate and a mistress who is more supportive, but hamstringed by social construct. This is no-win for you. I don't want to live quietly. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be honest all the time. I want this for you, too. God, I read that and it sounds like an ultimatum. I can't even get my thoughts together in not-text. This has been hard. For quite a while. I am still fucked-up. Thank you for continuing to be part of my community, even when it's not easy. Even when you get nothing but dissatisfaction with your own life in return. I feel dead and disarmed, but freedom is painful. Know I'm here -- or not here -- as needed while you do your own transitional stuff.

"Running Commentary"

That was what you said by email, referring to this blog. I guess it is.

"Running commentary" reminds me of "play-by-play"...

Anyway, I'm glad we have nearly 4 years of evidence history to look at. It's been a wild ride, and a lot of good and bad things have happened, of course. That's life. But, our love, and affection, and mutual admiration has endured.

Thank you.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying our time together, in all senses. How normal it seems is.... abnormal? I don't know. It's just strange to be happy and loved.

You keep saying we have a two-year deadline. I hope you're wrong. It seems life works out the way it's supposed to.

You surprised me...

With your post. I don't know why. It was a good surprise.

The obstacles...what are they? They are situations of our own creation, and in time we can re-create them. We can rail against the world for being what it is, or we can accept it as it is and work around the obstacles.

I feel you with me all the time. It's strange. I miss the times we used to have, but I also think we are experiencing new things and a new closeness. Right or wrong, that's where I am. I love you more every day, and the distance and inconvenience doesn't matter.