A Response, Sorta

I finally got around to reading the blog, and I saw your post today.

I guess I have some thinking to do, and more importantly, I have some doing to do.

I love you. No doubt. And I don't keep a tally of how much I do and how much you do.

But, there's something else here. It's the future. It's serious time.

I'm married, you're not now, and I have no right to make claims on you, and likewise for you. I don't know if any of this is fair to anyone. I don't know why I let myself even entertain the future. Oh, I know, we feel good and "right" in our fairy tale. But, I can't be what you need, and I can't be what you want, and vice versa. Does that mean we're done? Do fairytales have to end?

Housekeeping

Thank you for the care you've been giving me over the last, oh, God, I don't even know. It's been years. YEARS. YEARS you have been supporting my crazy and telling me I'm strong and beautiful and I am worth more than I'm getting. You've been a source of positive reinforcement that has felt very clearly like it wasn't grounded in bullshit. I have appreciated that -- even though it's complicated and inconvenient -- it sure exists. But I've taken away way more than you have from this interaction. In showing you my weaknesses, I get strength. In showing you my detachment, I get love. I can't offer you what you deserve. I can't fundamentally improve your life or carry some of your weight. I want to do these things. I want to offer to drive you to funerals. To have meals with you. To help with the things that come up in your life -- like a friend. But, I can't. You have a wife who won't step-up to helpmate and a mistress who is more supportive, but hamstringed by social construct. This is no-win for you. I don't want to live quietly. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be honest all the time. I want this for you, too. God, I read that and it sounds like an ultimatum. I can't even get my thoughts together in not-text. This has been hard. For quite a while. I am still fucked-up. Thank you for continuing to be part of my community, even when it's not easy. Even when you get nothing but dissatisfaction with your own life in return. I feel dead and disarmed, but freedom is painful. Know I'm here -- or not here -- as needed while you do your own transitional stuff.

"Running Commentary"

That was what you said by email, referring to this blog. I guess it is.

"Running commentary" reminds me of "play-by-play"...

Anyway, I'm glad we have nearly 4 years of evidence history to look at. It's been a wild ride, and a lot of good and bad things have happened, of course. That's life. But, our love, and affection, and mutual admiration has endured.

Thank you.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying our time together, in all senses. How normal it seems is.... abnormal? I don't know. It's just strange to be happy and loved.

You keep saying we have a two-year deadline. I hope you're wrong. It seems life works out the way it's supposed to.

You surprised me...

With your post. I don't know why. It was a good surprise.

The obstacles...what are they? They are situations of our own creation, and in time we can re-create them. We can rail against the world for being what it is, or we can accept it as it is and work around the obstacles.

I feel you with me all the time. It's strange. I miss the times we used to have, but I also think we are experiencing new things and a new closeness. Right or wrong, that's where I am. I love you more every day, and the distance and inconvenience doesn't matter.

Just Checking In

You risk a lot to see me. I appreciate your friendship, and I miss our walks, our days, our time together. I wish we could see more of each other, but, even after all this time, even with the changes, we have our hurdles. Things should be easier.

Happy New Year!

2014 has to be good, right?

I don't think you are leading me on, and I think it is amazing to see how we've been coping and even thriving in this very odd situation we are in. Let's make that plural. "In these very odd situation"...better.

I want happiness and peace and love for you. I continue to adore you. Thank you for understanding what a basket case I am, despite the swagger and "everything's ok" bravado.