?

I mean. Is it too late? I don't know. Can we talk? I'm going deaf, my phone isn't my friend. The new boss has me working all the time, and, thank you Covid, I still barely have enough childcare to cover my action. So, I don't really have much to offer. I chased you for literal years. How many times did I ask if you had time to hang? Grab lunch? Whatever. And how many times was I rebuffed? I'm sorry you made a decision without my input and now you regret it. I was crushed. I really thought we were friends. I guess I made a unilateral decision, too. I just couldn't. It's not that I wanted more of your time, it's that I didn't want to hide so much. We couldn't do anything but hide, and I don't have the energy. I don't want any secrets any more. It's taxing and not who I am. I held space for you for a very long time. The last time I saw you, I was still pregnant. Now? My kid is four. I don't know what the future holds.

Too late?

 I just saw your post this morning. Literally this morning. 

I woke up with you on my mind. Not that that’s all that unusual. I dream about you all the time. I hear your voice in my sleep. I’m still stupid about you, really. 

Anyway, I went to our blog to read and remember what it felt like to be alive and not be just getting by or surviving or whatever. To feel alive and vibrant. I had no clue I hadn't been to the blog since probably 2018.

Before I respond to what you posted, I want to share four scenes of us I think about all the time.

One is just us in your office talking and hanging out. 

The next is us in the cemetery under blue skies.

Then (should I be using a numbered list?), I think about the night you fixed dinner for me and you commented on how normal it seemed. 

But, the big moment I think about was one afternoon when we were in your bed in your house and you were in my arms, asleep or almost so. It was the perfect afternoon outside, and you felt like you belonged there in my arms like no one ever had or ever would, and it was perfect. Absolutely perfect, except I knew it couldn’t last because of circumstances we were well aware of. It was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

It was like I couldn’t allow myself to imagine a future. 

Then, you weren’t “available physically” to me, which I was upset about, and then I realized you were serious about the new guy who became the new husband. You made it clear you wanted an honest life, and I wanted you to be happy and have a good marriage and a kid and all of that. So, out of respect for that and a large amount of hurt pride, I ducked out. 

I’m sorry I hurt you. I really thought I was doing what was best. I didn’t want to get in the way of you being a wife and mother or cause any other problems for you. I thought you were done with me, honestly, and I thought you were just letting me go as gently as you could.

Being without you has been one of the hardest things in my life ever. I miss your presence, your voice, your laugh, just every damn thing.

I’m sorry. 

Can we talk, or is it too late?