Don't Rule-Out the Nuclear

I'm just empty.  I'm not really trying to do anything, I'm tired and raw and broken and tiny.

I'll get over it, and you probably shouldn't take it personally.

Some days, I don't know that anything has really changed.  Other days, the thought of being near other people makes me want to crawl into a hole because things are so different.

You deserve better -- even as a friend.  I know.  You'll take what you can get and if this is it, that's fine.  :)

Just in Case...

I forget to tell you, I'm proud of you trying so hard with everything you're doing. While there is a selfish side that wants nuclear activity, I really respect what you're all about.

Really.

So, Why Am I Up in the Middle of the Night?

Well, I guess mostly since I just got back from the big city.

I'm also anxious. Spring does that to me sometimes. I know it makes me want to take on new things, and sometimes throw out old things. Generally, it just means that change is in the air. Or the wind. Or the wings. Whatever the damn saying is.

I just need to see you. I'm sure of that. Nothing more. I just need to lay eyes upon you. I can't make sense of anything else that I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling it. It doesn't even matter what happens in the course of conversation, really. I guess I'm just needy or desperate or mixed-up. And, maybe a bit fearful. Separation does that to me.

I'm sorry if this is more-angsty than usual. I wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and how hard it is for me not to call you or see you when I want to, and how I wanted to hear from you all night, and here I am in the middle of the night, alone, wanting you to know I'm thinking of you. Yes, I said the same thing twice in the same sentence.

Another Rough Week Made Easier

It seems like a curse living here, sometimes. For all the magic and mystery, sometimes we just get slammed with tragedy upon tragedy.

But, this thing we have makes my life easier and happier and all-around better. This is generally where I thank you, so here it is: thank you.

Any words of love I might be able to come up with don’t do this justice, so I’ll refrain right now. But, as the days get longer and warmer, maybe our stolen moments will speak for themselves.

I’ve missed you all weekend. I know you’re busy, though, so no worries. I hope I’ll see you this week.

I hope we have plenty of time together in the near- and not-so-near future.

Slight Course Correction

You know, you're right.  It's not been an awful week, considering the potential.

I'm not fed-up with your lack of resolution.  Please consider that I haven't been alone with you -- I can't be too invested.  We were close enough with the "two years to get to second base" comment, which, while it may not have been directed at us, was placed to elicit some sort of response.  That's what I need to be detached from.

And when my counterpart goads you into some sort of action, I'm, strangely, left with the ethical dilemma of egging you on along side her or making sure you are tempered enough to not end-up burned-out (literally), dead, dismembered, or otherwise crushed.  Yes, you have to make changes.  No, you don't have to go in all hot-headed and pissed-off.

Our lives are these distorted reflections of each other.  I'm hoping to not manage to get where you're at.  Which seems like using your marriage to canary my own. Selfish and self-centered.  But that's not quite what's happening.  I still feel guilty and evil.  All-around.

Even with that, I enjoy the time we steal.  I like you.  I enjoy our time together.  And this will manage to survive regardless.

Reading Material:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

http://www.slate.com/id/2286240/

I disagree with bunches of this.  Sure you will, too.  It'll give you something else to be angry at. :)

A Pep Talk?

Weeks like this one are why I think THIS is so awesome.

This week has been busy, and our schedules have been off, and I had my bit of sadness, and all the lunchtime drama. But, we still had our moments of conversation, or a private look, or a surprise blog message.

I feel you’re fed up with my lack-of-resolution about my situation at home, and I don’t blame you. In fact, I’m thankful you care so much about my happiness.

I’m frustrated at your situation, too. I don’t understand why it’s ok with you for him to blame you for your attitude changes or generally treat you like a little child in need of constant supervision. Once again, I care about your happiness.

I suppose patience is the key. I remain ever-thankful for you, and for us, and all the little moments we are allowed.

Still, patience is hard. Hell, life is hard, but I think people just make it hard for themselves. I know I’m reaping the results of years of inactivity and well-intentioned but misguided choices. That’s hard to admit, and acknowledging the problem doesn’t make it any easier to confront or solve or fix or whatever action verb follows. The future is a wide-open land, full of possibilities.

Wear your daffodil...

...and do the little things.

I'm sure this isn't what St. David meant. ;)