Existential Crisis? Why Just Have One?

I love a good premature mid-life crisis or two or three or 20.

This should be a big week for my career. It seems to be a big week for my relationships. Plenty of stress, plenty of anxiety, and really, no good way to release any of it.

It's always the price. The cost. What I want versus what I am willing to give up. And then there is that selfish word "I" in there....it's not just "I" that is affected by my decisions.

Your physical absence from my life has affected me in ways I wasn't prepared for, just as you said. I cling to our remaining interactions so desperately, so jealously...my God. I don't know.

I have this fundamental (that word has an interesting origin, by the way) desire to wander in the autumn. I stay so tempted to shirk my responsibilities and disappear; whether for a few minutes or forever, I can never tell. That's why I have always tried so hard to control my appetites and my desires. I am a ravenous beast at heart, always wanting what I can't have, it seems.

Please forgive my indecisiveness. Please forgive my inability to know exactly what path to take with us or with anything. The cage seems to get smaller around me.

I sometimes indulge myself in wondering what life with you will be like at some point in the future, or, actually, at various points in the future. Then I have to come back to the present. I try to tell people, and even myself, to enjoy NOW...that NOW is all we have. But, the beast wants more, and you are part of that more.

Always more, and always you.

Feral

I have trouble washing you off of my skin.  I am emotionally attached to the microscopic shades you leave on me.  And the clothes I wear when we are together must be beyond disgusting before I will wash them.  As long as I can catch your scent in the threads I refuse to wash them and insist on wearing them.  What do you do to me?

As our third autumn begins...

Time marches to a weird drummer. Three autumns?

The pace of us comes and goes, even if the rhythm is steady.

Or some damn music metaphor.

I miss you so damn bad. I wasn't prepared for how our realities would affect my mood.

Always time and place...

I am just like a squirrel.

It's not that I didn't want to interact with you yesterday.  I just get near you and all I want to do is bounce and giggle or press myself into you and vibrate.  I am distracted by my desire.  Makes it almost impossible to have a conversation.

You smell so good and you feel so perfect and our time is always so limited.

Creative Solutions?

Like time-bending?  Our best efforts and intentions are regularly thwarted.  I am sorry that I am not less busy.  Don't think you aren't a priority.  I think about you all the time, and waste hours hatching plans that are impossible to bring to fruition.

Space to Be...

We need it. We must figure that part out. I'm not opposed to some very creative solutions. We need time and space together.

I sometimes have this odd, fatalistic desire for us to be found out. Most of the time, I dread the nuclear part of it. I promise I will make every effort for us to develop on our terms, without us making any stupid or careless mistakes.

But, I promise, if we are found out on my side of things, you'll be the first to know. Unless I'm on fire, of course.

Any moments with you are precious.  I adore you more and more. I particularly adore you when you are in blue jeans and tight t-shirts.