Existential Crisis? Why Just Have One?

I love a good premature mid-life crisis or two or three or 20.

This should be a big week for my career. It seems to be a big week for my relationships. Plenty of stress, plenty of anxiety, and really, no good way to release any of it.

It's always the price. The cost. What I want versus what I am willing to give up. And then there is that selfish word "I" in there....it's not just "I" that is affected by my decisions.

Your physical absence from my life has affected me in ways I wasn't prepared for, just as you said. I cling to our remaining interactions so desperately, so jealously...my God. I don't know.

I have this fundamental (that word has an interesting origin, by the way) desire to wander in the autumn. I stay so tempted to shirk my responsibilities and disappear; whether for a few minutes or forever, I can never tell. That's why I have always tried so hard to control my appetites and my desires. I am a ravenous beast at heart, always wanting what I can't have, it seems.

Please forgive my indecisiveness. Please forgive my inability to know exactly what path to take with us or with anything. The cage seems to get smaller around me.

I sometimes indulge myself in wondering what life with you will be like at some point in the future, or, actually, at various points in the future. Then I have to come back to the present. I try to tell people, and even myself, to enjoy NOW...that NOW is all we have. But, the beast wants more, and you are part of that more.

Always more, and always you.