Holidays and Such

So, here we are....holiday season part 2.

Last one featured, if I'm remembering right, your brother's texts.

It just doesn't seem like Christmas. I don't even think awkward texts would help.

Let me just say that this year was, mostly, shitty, outside of us. There were some moments that were awesome, though. I especially enjoyed our most recent afternoon, bench snuggling.

We are stumbling towards some changes, and part of me wants the pace to quicken. I know, though, to be thankful for what I/we have. And, as always, I mean that in all aspects of our lives.

So, I am thankful, even if I am always guilty of wanting more. I am also more and more thankful for little moments and little things. So, anyway, Merry Christmas, and here's to a better New Year. We deserve it.

...And Madonna

Yep. That was Johnny Depp.  Bless his little Kentucky heart.

"Something's better than nothing, yes, but nothing's better than more..."  (Madonna)

I get it.  I do.  It would be awesome to just be normal.  To interact normally.  To move through this and allow it to just be what it is.  I don't see that happening.

Coming from a different angle, weekends are never long enough for me to get what I need to get done finished.  I still have a list of distractions and necessities as long as my arm.  There's no end to running a household, and only being able to do it part-time means weekends are a whirl-wind of cook-clean-care that's supposed to make-up for the rest of the week.  Add to that emotional trauma I'm subjecting myself to, and you're right, weekends suck.

Give it a year.  Or eight.

Johnny Depp, philosopher?

Isn't that who you quoted?

Anyway, weekends are difficult on me, especially when I think you're having a rough time.

My thought of the day is this: I think it sucks we can't experience more of life together. I'm always thinking of things it would be fun to share with you. Instead, I just have to make good use of our stolen time, the best way we can.

Something's better than nothing, right?

Feeling Like a Tick

We have to be careful about how and how much we touch, but being near you and not touching you is way more disorienting than it should be.  Even after you leave, it distracts me.  How can contact be so intoxicating and grounding?

A Day Which Will Live in, um, Some Big Word

So, um, yeah, I really want you.

That's all I have to say.

A Little of This

Eh, I can manage the preparation.  You hold responsibility for place.

These next few months, with things messy, well, I don't want to over-complicate.  If we need to be public-only, that's fine.  I understand.  You need the best footing you can possibly have.  I'm not thinking about the friendship side of this -- that's well and good and perfectly appropriate.  You need someone outside of your social sphere to unwind to.

Remember you're not in this alone.  Of course, that's true on the "how far to take this" side, but it's also true on the frustration/pre-regret side.

What I Woke Up With...

besides some frustration :)....was a scary thought. What if, as an old man, I were to look back on this time and realize I had made a huge mistake not trying to pursue what is making me very happy right now?

I know it's more complicated, and we've hashed out the complications over and over. I just think I was having pre-regret.

Regarding preparations, I am very willing to take my share of responsibility for preparations, but I know how particular you are...plus, I don't want to be too presumptuous.

No pressure, no regrets.

I'm afraid the next few months will be very messy. Pardon the completely unintended pun.

Not a Girl Scout

But totally wish I was.  I would have been more prepared.  :/

Thank you for what was possible.

Well, if that wasn't a dry spell...

I need to find something better to do with my passwords.  This shit isn't working.

I've missed you.  Well, here at least.

I'd like to say some things, and I'm not sure if this is the appropriate venue, but I'm going to go for it anyhow. 

Sometimes just knowing that you exist changes the timbre of my day.  I feel we are in this really amazing situation, but it's fragile and it isn't real.  It's not something we can share, it's not something we can just throw around casually.  It's fragile from the outside, that is.  From the inside, it's pretty much eternal.

I mean, who else would forgive me for some of the things I've said recently?  I guess there are people out there who would forgive me for saying them, but you forgave me for giggling -- sometimes hysterically -- afterwards.  Really, how much stronger can you get than that?

But, I also know you're in a place right now.  A place that is similar to my own, but far more dangerous.  You have more to lose.  Mostly because you're dealing with a level of crazy that I can only imagine and you're a pillar.  You have to do what is right.

What is right may not be me.  I know.  Horribly disappointing.  I just want you to know that I'm not clinging hard-and-fast to the eight-year-and-two-month schedule.  I have an odd feeling that I'll always be here -- whether you can be or not -- and I'll always be available to you.  The delightful and liberating part of that is that there's no "put your life on hold for me" coming from you.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do and the shit between us?  It'll work out.  We'll fit into each other in exactly the way we're supposed to.

And that?  That total lack of pressure (aside from the physical kind) is probably the healthiest thing in my life right now.  I need to underscore that you've said everything I've just said to you to me. And I return the statements, pretty much as is.  There is only so much drama a person can be expected to take.  And we have our own drama between us -- maybe it's more of a tension, but you get the idea.  There is no need for us to be complicated for each other.  We can just be and this will just be and it will all, stop me if you've heard this one, be just fine.

That's everything I have to say.  What I want to say is:

These last few meetings we've had have been intoxicating for me.  I'm sorry things are happening the way they are happening for you, but even with all of that mess, I still enjoy being near you more than you could ever imagine.