More Clarification?

I would write you a letter, but it would take too long to get there.

I'm not leaving you.  I'm not.  I'm as here with you as I possibly can be.

I just can't give you what I gave you when we spent a majority of our days ten minutes away from each other.  And I feel like this is short-changing you.  Us.

I feel that my constant nagging about your job and your wife making you unhappy was being counter-productive, if not actually hurtful.  I have no new advice to give -- you know your options and you know (I hope) that whatever happens, I will be devoted to you as much as I can be.

Yep.  We're on hiatus.  This doesn't make me happy and, in my head, has less to do with emotions or whatever than it does with geography.  I am having trouble getting you to understand that I got real possessive there for a bit.  I got angry and I had no right to.  I'm not there anymore.  I will take whatever you give me and I will give whatever I can.

Look at all those I-statements!

You are at a crossroads that is bigger than mine is.  You're right.  I might never leave my husband, and if I do, I doubt I will pursue anything traditional.  But be aware -- things are going to change.  I love my job.  I love the South.  Most of the time.  You need as little drama as possible.  And I need to keep reminding you that if this gets too intense -- even in a good way -- I am willing to back-off and let you do what you need to do.  If you decide to pursue another job that would drag you away from me, so be it.  You need to be in a place that isn't actively sucking the life out of you.  I can't fill you up -- I am not enough.  But I will always carry you with me.

Today, I was walking and I felt the imprint of your thumb on the back of my thigh.  Nothing was poking me or near me, I just was suddenly aware that this was exactly what your thumb would feel like running up the seam of a stocking.  It was chilling in the best possible way.

So, we might need to plan a little better.  I'm up for that.  If you can give me any notice at all, I will do everything I can do see you.  I've been unavailable physically and emotionally and I'm sorry.  The whole six weeks or so fucked with my head in ways I wasn't prepared for.  But, I am yours in a way I've never been anybody else's.  Embrace that.  Do what you need to.  We are eternal.

Crying Wolf, or Just Reality

I am the man who cries "wolf!" I bitch and whine about my life, do very little about it, and have no idea where I'm headed. So, when I finally do get close to the end of my rope, will anyone believe me? Will you?

I read your last post, and I got a letter...I'm not sure whether it was the one you referenced.

Here's the deal, as I see it:

We are inconvenient (see the title of this blog?). But, what could we be? In reality...I don't know. I am a train wreck. Every aspect of my life is a bloody mess. You are probably not going to break up your marriage. I doubt we will have a standard future. At most, we will be what we are.

I don't want anything to end, although I feel like you are trying to very nicely tell me to scale back my expectations of you. I don't blame you. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. I'm sorry you worry about me. I really don't know what else to say about that.

On the practical side of things, it's pretty obvious that we won't be seeing each other that much anyway, due to this or that, so maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I can get over my fear of letting something else valuable to me go slipping away, and maybe you won't have to worry about being clingy and weird.

I am raw and nervous and angry and sad and manic. I know you keep asking what you can do to help, and the short answer is nothing. I got myself to this point, and I really don't think anyone can do anything. So, I'll put this big shoulder to the wheel, and put this big ol' head down, and push.

I love you more than I ever thought possible, and while I know love isn't enough to build your life around, I want you to know that. I don't regret anything about us besides wishing we had more time together. I've never gotten enough time with you.

I also suspect I'm not good for you. I feel like a schmuck, being desperately in love with you, unable to do anything about it, and realizing the limits of what we are and can be. And you are so very sweet, not savaging me for being a dumb ass or a romantic or whatever.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is this: I don't really want to formally declare a temporary hiatus because that's in actuality what we have as a necessity, anyway. I don't know how I feel about it (surprise, surprise! when do I ever know how I feel anymore?). But, I desperately hope I will remain in your head and heart.

Whatever...

Forget about you?  Are you kidding?

You have no idea how influential you have been thus far in my life.  If you said today that this had to stop, if you told me it was too much and you couldn't handle it -- which would be totally valid -- I wouldn't forget you.  Even when it's been weeks since we've seen each other, I still find you in the dark halls of my head.  You will be with me forever.

Nice try, though.

I have a letter.  I need to find a post box.