Crying Wolf, or Just Reality

I am the man who cries "wolf!" I bitch and whine about my life, do very little about it, and have no idea where I'm headed. So, when I finally do get close to the end of my rope, will anyone believe me? Will you?

I read your last post, and I got a letter...I'm not sure whether it was the one you referenced.

Here's the deal, as I see it:

We are inconvenient (see the title of this blog?). But, what could we be? In reality...I don't know. I am a train wreck. Every aspect of my life is a bloody mess. You are probably not going to break up your marriage. I doubt we will have a standard future. At most, we will be what we are.

I don't want anything to end, although I feel like you are trying to very nicely tell me to scale back my expectations of you. I don't blame you. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. I'm sorry you worry about me. I really don't know what else to say about that.

On the practical side of things, it's pretty obvious that we won't be seeing each other that much anyway, due to this or that, so maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I can get over my fear of letting something else valuable to me go slipping away, and maybe you won't have to worry about being clingy and weird.

I am raw and nervous and angry and sad and manic. I know you keep asking what you can do to help, and the short answer is nothing. I got myself to this point, and I really don't think anyone can do anything. So, I'll put this big shoulder to the wheel, and put this big ol' head down, and push.

I love you more than I ever thought possible, and while I know love isn't enough to build your life around, I want you to know that. I don't regret anything about us besides wishing we had more time together. I've never gotten enough time with you.

I also suspect I'm not good for you. I feel like a schmuck, being desperately in love with you, unable to do anything about it, and realizing the limits of what we are and can be. And you are so very sweet, not savaging me for being a dumb ass or a romantic or whatever.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is this: I don't really want to formally declare a temporary hiatus because that's in actuality what we have as a necessity, anyway. I don't know how I feel about it (surprise, surprise! when do I ever know how I feel anymore?). But, I desperately hope I will remain in your head and heart.