Happy New Year Back

Looks like the craziness will continue.

Thanks. Not for the craziness. For the rest of it.

Auld Lang Syne and All That

I can safely say this has been the strangest year of my life. There have been a lot of life changes, which sounds so damn cliched, and a lot of surprises, both good and bad.

But this, this wonderfully insane thing we have going, this has been the biggest surprise, and I thank you for that.

I want so many good things for you, and me, and us, and sometimes those things can't all happen at the same time, but I have faith in us.

Whatever "us" means.

So, to my sweet goddess of discord, who brings so much comfort and pure joy to me, I wish a Happy New Year! I remain intoxicated and infatuated, and I hope it never ends.

It's Almost a New Year

Things are pretty OK in my world, except the stressors you already know about.

I know we're charmed. I think it's amazing how I feel just as close to you when we are states apart as I do when you're an hour from me. Of course, nothing compares to being with you.

I think you underestimate how well we could, if things were different, deal with the things that make people's lives crazy. Here's my turn to appeal to your sense of faith.

I have stories for you. I need to see you.

I hope the new year is kind to us. I have to believe it will be.

Holiday Break

I hope things are cheerful in your world. I don't want this to sound Scrooge-like, please take this the way I mean it. Read my mind. Ask. Do whatever you have to do. :)

We are charmed. We are charmed in ways we can't even imagine. But I think one of the reasons we get on so well is the complete lack of everyday life in our interaction. Here are the Holidays. Here are the Holidays and we are nowhere near each other. We are dealing with the family and general stress on our own. We don't have to cope with inlaws, family, travel, or food.

We'll just get together when it's all over and swap stories.

Neat.

Charmed.

Travel safely and return to me ready to talk.

From the Edge of the Abyss

I found our apple information. Just in case dreams ever develop. I like having a bit of planning in the chaos. Apples are so chock-full of symbolism. Anyway, there are some really exciting fruit options. Between that and free-range, grass-fed chickens, I hope to eke out a subsistence level of existence.

So, from the edge of the abyss, I am thankful for the offers of help and general encouragement. I've been stagnant for too long. One day, the lion always wakes and roars. Or, if you prefer bear imagery...whatever. ;)

I don't know about the pace of change, really, but it's on its way, no doubt. It'll all work out.

I'm counting the days until I can just see you.

Apples Without Frost

That just sounds awful. But I got used to other things not needing frost. I tend to like to pay for my sweet up-front.

Change is something I'm all about. But I'm a big fan of chaos and growth. This feels like a ledge. A chasm. I'm never ready for the big stuff. And I've had enough, recently.

It's coming for you, isn't it? Fast. Do what you need to do. You may have a perfect chance - or something you can't ignore. Let me - us - know if anything can be done. I want to help - and so do other people.

You have the more difficult holiday ahead.

Comparing Apples and Apples and Clouds

I'm sure we could find a more suitable variety of apple for this region. I know a bit about the subject, but that's what the internet is for. Herbs, now, I can do. So can anyone with a pulse. Of course, you say you have a black thumb, so who knows.

It was cloudy, here, too. I watched part of the eclipse on a live internet feed.

I'm very discombobulated these days. I hope I can keep my shit together through the holidays. I hope you can, too.

You know, I really don't know about this "signs in the heavens" theme, but about this topic of change perhaps I do know something. It's something that happens every day, it's something that's inevitable, yet most everyone I know lives in absolute fear of change.

It's the pace of change we're debating. That's all. Oh, and I love you.

Details on Apples

Apples grow where it snows and are full of poison.

Looks like it will be too cloudy for me to watch the eclipse, but I'm going to try. I think this is an important time, but I can't figure out why. Things are going to change.

I'm missing all of my stability - you're part of that.

On the Eve of the Solstice

Somewhere, in the middle of your updates from the road amidst the complications of my day, I realized I yearned to be with you in a way I'm not used to yearning for anything.

For the record, I like apples. I also like herbs. Apples don't tend to grow all that well around here, so maybe that's a sign, also.

The moon is bright, and if the clouds don't interfere, we'll see a blood-red moon tonight.

A friend told me last night that he had decided the best days were ahead. Maybe this lunar eclipse-cum-winter solstice thing is a sign. Perhaps.

You've told me to live by faith and to embrace some chaos. I am trying, yet I long..no, I yearn...for the certainty I feel in your presence.

So, as the moon and sun both get reborn within the next 24 hours, maybe I'll take some encouragement from them.

Fever Dreams

In my mess of fever and sleep, I kept having two dreams.

The first dream I've had before. I own an apple orchard. It's a familiar spot, with a simple farm house and a pavilion where the fruit is sorted and sold. It smells like leaves and apples and rot. Normally, other than myself, I don't know anybody. But I came from the back of the house and looked into the pavilion. You were sitting on one of the tables talking to a bunch of folks about the herb garden we were putting in.

The second dream was just us at the [insert river]. Me in it up to my knees. No mosquitos, no turkey.

Assessing Risk

I want to risk mailing you while I'm away.  I know it's not wise.  I won't do it.  E-mail and texting and this?  All of these are safer and easier.  I just want to know that you will be touching something that I touched with the intention of you holding it in your hands.

The Pot and the Kettle

You're right, they do need to either be more secretive or just come out in the open with it. Oh, wait...

It's a damn shame we have to hide our reality. Really, it's like trying to hide a candle under a haystack. Eventually, the hidden flame erupts, and the whole damn barn flames up. Everyone around knows then.

I guess we have to watch that wick.

Responding to the song, I guess... well, damn. We both know better, but what do we do? Isn't that the ever-present question?

They do, in fact, make songs about our situation.

Posting Without Waiting for a Response

Well, no written response.

Our mutual friend interrogated me fairly well about my life yesterday. It was the whole "what do you want? /what makes you happy?" thing. All sorts of life questions. She's awesome.

We skirted the issue of you as long as we could. It doesn't help that she can read my mind. Yes, the girl actually reads my mind. I'd think something specific, and she'd give me a specific response. It's strange. It's a good strange.

I, of course, admitted I have feelings for you, and the complications thereof. She told me not to feel guilty, to stop beating myself up about it, to embrace them. She swore it was up to me to tell you about the conversation. I didn't say a word about anything mutual between us, or any activities, or anything other than my feelings for you. I said nothing about your feelings.

I felt bad about it, until I realized she already knew...so why bother with the charade, so long as she maintains our confidence? And, that's why I was so careful to only talk about me and my feelings. I don't pretend to speak for you, nor will I ever.

It was a great day with her. We were together for almost 4 hours. We Google chatted after that.

But, damn, I missed you. That's how I know it's you and not this. She's charming, and talented, and beautiful, and all sorts of wonderful things, and I had a great time with her (and in different circumstances I would be willing to have a super-great time with her, wink-wink, nudge-nudge), but she's not you.

She asked if the time with you was worth the pain it causes. I said yes. No matter how complicated, no matter how wrong in the eyes of the world, my moments with you are worth it.

Faith? How About That!

I’ve been having some awkward conversations with people close to me about the future. It seems almost every aspect of my life (professional, personal, familial, you name it) has this unstable quality that is making people nervous….myself included.

I, too, would like stability, but getting there seems awfully painful, and it also looks like a lot of collateral damage. Is the decision really whether I want to be happy versus the status quo continuing so as to not upset anyone? I know I’m speaking vaguely, but I hope you can fill in the blanks. That’s the best I can do without giving names and details.

I’m not so naïve as to think that your existence in my life does not color my attitude. It does, and I’m aware of that. So, it’s not like I’m looking for an alternate world with you in it as the replacement for all things crappy here. That’s silly, and, well, would be presumptive on my part.

I, too, am going to have to have some awful discussions soon. Yes, I’m waiting until after the first of the year, if I can, so as to not ruin the holidays. But, life is too short to feel like I do, with my only moments of joy coming in brief moments with too few people and with me feeling generally pessimistic about life.

I’m a big believer in free will, so I’m ecstatic when you use words like “voluntary.”

I say thank you a lot, and you always seem a bit perplexed by it. What it means is that I promise to never take a single moment of this for granted. That’s all.

Take it on faith...

You have the right -- the responsibility -- to say whatever you're thinking to me.  We lose this the second we compromise on the full-disclosure thing.  I mean that.  Even if my butt looks big in these jeans.

Did you change my mood intentionally?  Did you think before you acted?  Considering the contact we had just pulled away from, did you think that one achingly tender thing would make such a difference?  The fact that it's still a switch with me tells you the number of opportunities I've had to build-up a resistance.  It's like you saying my name -- nobody says my  name.  Not unless they're trying to get my attention.  You say my name like a curse -- or a prayer.  It will always be uncomfortable.  It will always be perfect.

Avoiding you has worked so well in the past, I don't know how I could resist it.  :)  In a town this size, deciding to limit my contact with you -- ending it isn't really an option -- only leads to frustration and levels of emotion I am ill-equipped to handle.  I will see you, and it will be messy.  Likely inside and out.  It's safer for me to decide we're going to handle this like adults and discuss where it's going instead of stupidly leaving it up to our hormones.

Okay.  Now the big one.  What do I want?  I want to be happy.  I want my life to have some sort of stability.  I have some awful discussions in my near future -- not with you.  But, I'm getting there.  Trying to use my words.  Always re-assessing to see if I'm requiring too much.  Trying to express that I thrive with some level of neglect.

And what do I get from you?  Pretty much what you get from me.  You listen. You bring me joy.  You expect nothing from me, and I expect nothing from you.  The great pleasure of this illicit situation is that neither one of us can make demands of the other.  We have no right.  You can't tell me when to be home and I can't nag you to feed the dog.  In a sense, our other responsibilities mean we are unable to commit to each other in any way that isn't completely voluntary.

I volunteered for this -- confusion and heartache and high school and all.  I can't help who I love, no, but every time I see you or talk to you or touch you or write here, I'm volunteering for the complication.  The situation is complex, the stuff between us is simple.  And it's part of what I want.

The Waiting is the HARDEST part ;)

(I'm adding this after I wrote the rest of it. I mean what you're about to read, but I'm not making ultimatums, nor am I wanting anything to change. I just had to get a few things off my chest. It's a little harsh, but not at you. Maybe raw is a better word than harsh.)

I find lots of things weird about our situation, so us refraining from fucking is just one in a long list of issues. That being said, it makes perfect sense to me why I only push you to a certain point. If I didn’t care about your mental (and physical) well-being, I would push harder. I wouldn’t care about regrets, or consequences. I would satisfy the beast(s) within, or get as close as I could. I want you, and I’ll make no apologies for that, but I can’t hurt you.

Your boundaries and other complications, well, it’s unavoidable. It’s not like I walk into this blindly every time and get blindsided. Your mood change was expected, as well.

I’ll go along with whatever you think is best. If you think it’s a bad idea to see each other alone, so be it. I’ve told you: I can’t have you regretting us more than you already do.

I wasn’t upset yesterday. Well, I wasn’t upset with you yesterday.

I have no right to say what I’m about to say, but just fuck it. Here I go:

I don’t understand why anyone would want to put a collar or a leash on someone they say they love. As someone who has endured repeated attempts at it, I just don’t get it.

I understand him wanting you, I understand him needing you, and I sure as hell understand him being obsessed with you.

I just can’t imagine trying to tame you.

So, if you need to avoid me, I understand. I do. I won’t like it, but your happiness means more to me than most anything in my life these days.

But, promise me this: before you decide that, ask yourself what you really want and/or need in your life.

You ask me that, and I stammer and turn various shades of red, and look at the ground sheepishly. I’m asking you that, not because I demand an answer, but because you do.

You see, I understand what I get from this. With the exception of my son and a few other things, not much besides you gives me any joy.

But you, I don’t get what you get from this. You have a guy who, in his own fucked-up way, adores you, even if he doesn’t get how he should treat you. At all. Fucking clueless. You’re alluring, and beautiful, and charming, and just awesome, and you have awesome friends, and a pretty good life. So, why even mess with me?

This is not an attempt to fish for attention or compliments. It’s me being honest. You don’t need me. I know this. So, you do what you need to do.

I love you, so do what makes you happy. Remember my question that needs to be answered.

You have no idea how much I love you.

I'm sorry this is complicated. It shouldn't be.

Squish

Yeah...  We're going to have to start thinking really hard about if we need to spend time alone.  Do you find it weird that we aren't fucking BECAUSE we like each other?  If I could decide to never see you again, this would be an easy decision.  In the moment, I have a more difficult time deciding it's not a fair trade.

After getting that close -- what?  Three layers of cloth? -- and backing off, and my mood turning so very quickly, which I'm sorry for, by the way...  And the talk about where I'm at, geographically...

I was afraid I had upset you.

I expect you to deal with a lot.  The teasing, the boundaries, the complications specific to me.  The new gadget was probably too much.

That being said, the man puts a collar on me every day.  It was only a matter of time before he found a leash.

The Slippery Slope

So, what are we going to do?

You do smell fantastic. I had you on my skin all day.

You're yummy.

What a day. What a near-escalation.

Intoxication at its best.

Drunk

I am dizzy with you caught-up in my clothes.  Every time I move, I catch your scent.  And someone came in and said, "You smell fantastic today."