The Waiting is the HARDEST part ;)

(I'm adding this after I wrote the rest of it. I mean what you're about to read, but I'm not making ultimatums, nor am I wanting anything to change. I just had to get a few things off my chest. It's a little harsh, but not at you. Maybe raw is a better word than harsh.)

I find lots of things weird about our situation, so us refraining from fucking is just one in a long list of issues. That being said, it makes perfect sense to me why I only push you to a certain point. If I didn’t care about your mental (and physical) well-being, I would push harder. I wouldn’t care about regrets, or consequences. I would satisfy the beast(s) within, or get as close as I could. I want you, and I’ll make no apologies for that, but I can’t hurt you.

Your boundaries and other complications, well, it’s unavoidable. It’s not like I walk into this blindly every time and get blindsided. Your mood change was expected, as well.

I’ll go along with whatever you think is best. If you think it’s a bad idea to see each other alone, so be it. I’ve told you: I can’t have you regretting us more than you already do.

I wasn’t upset yesterday. Well, I wasn’t upset with you yesterday.

I have no right to say what I’m about to say, but just fuck it. Here I go:

I don’t understand why anyone would want to put a collar or a leash on someone they say they love. As someone who has endured repeated attempts at it, I just don’t get it.

I understand him wanting you, I understand him needing you, and I sure as hell understand him being obsessed with you.

I just can’t imagine trying to tame you.

So, if you need to avoid me, I understand. I do. I won’t like it, but your happiness means more to me than most anything in my life these days.

But, promise me this: before you decide that, ask yourself what you really want and/or need in your life.

You ask me that, and I stammer and turn various shades of red, and look at the ground sheepishly. I’m asking you that, not because I demand an answer, but because you do.

You see, I understand what I get from this. With the exception of my son and a few other things, not much besides you gives me any joy.

But you, I don’t get what you get from this. You have a guy who, in his own fucked-up way, adores you, even if he doesn’t get how he should treat you. At all. Fucking clueless. You’re alluring, and beautiful, and charming, and just awesome, and you have awesome friends, and a pretty good life. So, why even mess with me?

This is not an attempt to fish for attention or compliments. It’s me being honest. You don’t need me. I know this. So, you do what you need to do.

I love you, so do what makes you happy. Remember my question that needs to be answered.

You have no idea how much I love you.

I'm sorry this is complicated. It shouldn't be.