The Challenge

You ask me what I want.

It’s so hard. It’s the hardest question I’ve ever been asked.

You see, all of the options are so damn heart-wrenching.

I don’t want to callously destroy my home. The thought of what it would do to my son, and even to my wife, is crippling.

But, I want to be happy, and I’m not. I feel trapped in a situation where I can’t rock the boat without losing what little I have and totally destroying my son’s life. I feel like I can’t even face the problems right now.

I still haven’t answered what it is that I want.

So, you asked me what “this” has to do with the bigger question of what I want.

I want to be able to love you without a constant internal struggle inside both of us. I want to kiss you, to touch you, to be with you in any way that happens, to be seen with you, to spend time with you, to have normal moments with you, without the worry and guilt and grave consequences. Yet, I know, and you know, what that wish would really mean: nuclear consequences. I feel ghoulishly selfish for even saying I want something like that.

The simple truth of how I feel is this: I still feel an obligation at home, and I have moments of happiness and nostalgia, and I really feel like I need to try to at least make a good effort to solve the problems she and I have. I don’t think that precludes or excludes what we have, as it is now. I think the rest of what I want (see first two sentences of last paragraph) will come in time. Inevitable? Irrevocable? I suppose so.

I want to enjoy what I have with you, as it is now, for as long as I can. I need your friendship and support more than ever, and I enjoy you as always. And, yes, I love you in a way that’s dangerous in its depth and breadth and passion and soul-shaking nature. Patience is needed.

Having said that, I’m also always willing to do what you need. If you think we need to avoid this situation or that situation, well, we can. But, you know I always want more of you…time, touch, experiences, attention, and so much more. I want us to stop fighting being happy and just BE.

You can keep the plastic dish, or recycle. It's all good.

Have fun at lunch. ;)