End of the Year, Again

Hi! It's been a bit since we've posted on here.

I mean, it's just been one crisis after another. That's all.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I love you. I don't know what it all means. I just know I love you.

Thank you for your consistent friendship and love.

Happy New Year!

More Clarification?

I would write you a letter, but it would take too long to get there.

I'm not leaving you.  I'm not.  I'm as here with you as I possibly can be.

I just can't give you what I gave you when we spent a majority of our days ten minutes away from each other.  And I feel like this is short-changing you.  Us.

I feel that my constant nagging about your job and your wife making you unhappy was being counter-productive, if not actually hurtful.  I have no new advice to give -- you know your options and you know (I hope) that whatever happens, I will be devoted to you as much as I can be.

Yep.  We're on hiatus.  This doesn't make me happy and, in my head, has less to do with emotions or whatever than it does with geography.  I am having trouble getting you to understand that I got real possessive there for a bit.  I got angry and I had no right to.  I'm not there anymore.  I will take whatever you give me and I will give whatever I can.

Look at all those I-statements!

You are at a crossroads that is bigger than mine is.  You're right.  I might never leave my husband, and if I do, I doubt I will pursue anything traditional.  But be aware -- things are going to change.  I love my job.  I love the South.  Most of the time.  You need as little drama as possible.  And I need to keep reminding you that if this gets too intense -- even in a good way -- I am willing to back-off and let you do what you need to do.  If you decide to pursue another job that would drag you away from me, so be it.  You need to be in a place that isn't actively sucking the life out of you.  I can't fill you up -- I am not enough.  But I will always carry you with me.

Today, I was walking and I felt the imprint of your thumb on the back of my thigh.  Nothing was poking me or near me, I just was suddenly aware that this was exactly what your thumb would feel like running up the seam of a stocking.  It was chilling in the best possible way.

So, we might need to plan a little better.  I'm up for that.  If you can give me any notice at all, I will do everything I can do see you.  I've been unavailable physically and emotionally and I'm sorry.  The whole six weeks or so fucked with my head in ways I wasn't prepared for.  But, I am yours in a way I've never been anybody else's.  Embrace that.  Do what you need to.  We are eternal.

Crying Wolf, or Just Reality

I am the man who cries "wolf!" I bitch and whine about my life, do very little about it, and have no idea where I'm headed. So, when I finally do get close to the end of my rope, will anyone believe me? Will you?

I read your last post, and I got a letter...I'm not sure whether it was the one you referenced.

Here's the deal, as I see it:

We are inconvenient (see the title of this blog?). But, what could we be? In reality...I don't know. I am a train wreck. Every aspect of my life is a bloody mess. You are probably not going to break up your marriage. I doubt we will have a standard future. At most, we will be what we are.

I don't want anything to end, although I feel like you are trying to very nicely tell me to scale back my expectations of you. I don't blame you. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. I'm sorry you worry about me. I really don't know what else to say about that.

On the practical side of things, it's pretty obvious that we won't be seeing each other that much anyway, due to this or that, so maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I can get over my fear of letting something else valuable to me go slipping away, and maybe you won't have to worry about being clingy and weird.

I am raw and nervous and angry and sad and manic. I know you keep asking what you can do to help, and the short answer is nothing. I got myself to this point, and I really don't think anyone can do anything. So, I'll put this big shoulder to the wheel, and put this big ol' head down, and push.

I love you more than I ever thought possible, and while I know love isn't enough to build your life around, I want you to know that. I don't regret anything about us besides wishing we had more time together. I've never gotten enough time with you.

I also suspect I'm not good for you. I feel like a schmuck, being desperately in love with you, unable to do anything about it, and realizing the limits of what we are and can be. And you are so very sweet, not savaging me for being a dumb ass or a romantic or whatever.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is this: I don't really want to formally declare a temporary hiatus because that's in actuality what we have as a necessity, anyway. I don't know how I feel about it (surprise, surprise! when do I ever know how I feel anymore?). But, I desperately hope I will remain in your head and heart.

Whatever...

Forget about you?  Are you kidding?

You have no idea how influential you have been thus far in my life.  If you said today that this had to stop, if you told me it was too much and you couldn't handle it -- which would be totally valid -- I wouldn't forget you.  Even when it's been weeks since we've seen each other, I still find you in the dark halls of my head.  You will be with me forever.

Nice try, though.

I have a letter.  I need to find a post box.

Is October Over Yet?

I love October, but not so much this year.

I miss you.

I want things to be more normal.

I am just exhausted.

Please never forget about me.

Existential Crisis? Why Just Have One?

I love a good premature mid-life crisis or two or three or 20.

This should be a big week for my career. It seems to be a big week for my relationships. Plenty of stress, plenty of anxiety, and really, no good way to release any of it.

It's always the price. The cost. What I want versus what I am willing to give up. And then there is that selfish word "I" in there....it's not just "I" that is affected by my decisions.

Your physical absence from my life has affected me in ways I wasn't prepared for, just as you said. I cling to our remaining interactions so desperately, so jealously...my God. I don't know.

I have this fundamental (that word has an interesting origin, by the way) desire to wander in the autumn. I stay so tempted to shirk my responsibilities and disappear; whether for a few minutes or forever, I can never tell. That's why I have always tried so hard to control my appetites and my desires. I am a ravenous beast at heart, always wanting what I can't have, it seems.

Please forgive my indecisiveness. Please forgive my inability to know exactly what path to take with us or with anything. The cage seems to get smaller around me.

I sometimes indulge myself in wondering what life with you will be like at some point in the future, or, actually, at various points in the future. Then I have to come back to the present. I try to tell people, and even myself, to enjoy NOW...that NOW is all we have. But, the beast wants more, and you are part of that more.

Always more, and always you.

Feral

I have trouble washing you off of my skin.  I am emotionally attached to the microscopic shades you leave on me.  And the clothes I wear when we are together must be beyond disgusting before I will wash them.  As long as I can catch your scent in the threads I refuse to wash them and insist on wearing them.  What do you do to me?

As our third autumn begins...

Time marches to a weird drummer. Three autumns?

The pace of us comes and goes, even if the rhythm is steady.

Or some damn music metaphor.

I miss you so damn bad. I wasn't prepared for how our realities would affect my mood.

Always time and place...

I am just like a squirrel.

It's not that I didn't want to interact with you yesterday.  I just get near you and all I want to do is bounce and giggle or press myself into you and vibrate.  I am distracted by my desire.  Makes it almost impossible to have a conversation.

You smell so good and you feel so perfect and our time is always so limited.

Creative Solutions?

Like time-bending?  Our best efforts and intentions are regularly thwarted.  I am sorry that I am not less busy.  Don't think you aren't a priority.  I think about you all the time, and waste hours hatching plans that are impossible to bring to fruition.

Space to Be...

We need it. We must figure that part out. I'm not opposed to some very creative solutions. We need time and space together.

I sometimes have this odd, fatalistic desire for us to be found out. Most of the time, I dread the nuclear part of it. I promise I will make every effort for us to develop on our terms, without us making any stupid or careless mistakes.

But, I promise, if we are found out on my side of things, you'll be the first to know. Unless I'm on fire, of course.

Any moments with you are precious.  I adore you more and more. I particularly adore you when you are in blue jeans and tight t-shirts.

Anxiety

When I don't hear from you, my first thought is that we've been discovered.  It will all be okay, though, right?  ;)

We need a space where we can just be.  I hadn't realized what a luxury it was to have you right there.  We're not _that_ far from each other.

Clingy!

We Endure

Always.  :)

I'm liking how this has calmed-down.  I still feel the need to poke you on occasion -- more than I used to.

You linger.  I find myself reaching for you, even when you are nowhere near.  I don't feel this way about people.

Words continue to fail me.  

Car.

;)

Under the canopy,

with the rain coming down, and the damn heat outside, and the delicious heat of you....

When I'm old, and nearly dead, I hope I can still remember yesterday.

I hope you believe what I've already told you about my psychological state and my marathon-type conditioning (I mean, after all, besides my experiences with the frigid, I've spent nearly 3 years denying my appetite for you). You are delicious and unlike anything I've ever experienced or could imagine.

When I'm with you, in any possible meaning of that, I'm so intensely aware of being alive. Thank you for that.

I feel sometimes like we are at a new beginning, and I don't know what it means. It's also shocking how much our relationship feels the same as before, only more full.

As I predicted, the infatuation continues. The hunger for you continues. I'll never get enough of your presence.

Inconvenient or not, this is real. 

Still feels... Unreal?

But there you have it, I guess.

I am trying to stay engaged.  Oddly, I don't know what to do next.  It feels weird to be this sort of invested.  And that didn't feel like an ending, a culmination.  

Internal chaos is wonderful. 

You are a delight.  Thank you for handling me with so much patience and respect.

That Just Happened...

Yep.

Have faith in us.

You are awesome. I am completely, totally happy with us.

Want is a Funny Thing

We've normalized, have you noticed?

I mean, there's still a lot of intensity there, and it's difficult to not make a physical spectacle.  Especially when all I want is to be held and put my head on your chest.  But, really, I think we've developed.  And you were right today -- if we were together, except for the sex thing, not much would be different.

I would feel less weird about texting you out-of-the-blue.  You know, because I'd feel more entitled.

But, I am more confident than ever.  We feel stable.  We feel solid.  Even after eons apart and the restrictions placed on us by our lack of privacy, I still catch your scent and get giddy.  I still think about my fingers curling around your arms and the way my nose fits into the space between your ear and your shirt collar.

I don't care where you go or what you do.  Be happy.  Move towards happiness and make decisions that, in the long run, will bring you joy.

This?  It's not going anywhere.

Today: Great and Kinda Sad

That sounds like an emo weather forecast.

Anyway, it was awesome hanging out with you and almost feeling like a normal couple at times.

It sucked gathering up the remains of the scene of so many of our interactions. I'm glad I could do the actual labor part of the move (it wasn't that bad).

I'm focusing on the great side of this. I, as always, want you to be happy. Change is inevitable, right? So, I'm embracing this change. I'm also happy with the time together.

Thanks. I'm glad I can be part of this craziness.

Yes, It is Enough....

I was in a really odd place when I posted that. Sorry. It wasn't really fair.

I guess I was just wondering out loud where we might be going with all this, without any expectation. I'm honestly OK with the way we are, but I also want you to know that I'm willing to discuss any possibility.

I have no time frame for "near future". I know we are ok. I'd just like for the rest of our lives to be better.

Yes, like air. And football.

This isn't enough?

No.

Nothing in the near future.  Well, what do you consider the near future?  And what is a life together?

I'm really fucked-up.  Sorry.

I love you like air.

I wish I could say something else.

A Question as We Go Forward...

Do we have any chance at a life together in anything resembling the near-future? You don't have to respond here. In some ways, this is a cheap way to ask this.

Summer Number 3

Here we go again...the long, separated days of summer approach.

I love you. Good God, how I love you.

Let's try to figure out ways to be together more. I'm happier when I see you. You're happier when you see me. Surely to goodness we can be creative enough to figure this out.

Thanks for your delicious offering yesterday. You rock!

I get to re-assure this time!

There are 100,000 reasons why I haven't been doing this. One of them – a big one – is that I pretty much tell you everything. All of the things that happen through my head end up coming out of my face directly at you.

And, you know, time.

Time is a huge issue.

Always will be.

And now, it seems, more so.

I struggle. I know you do to. We don't belong here. Spouses aside, this place takes everything it can from you – all that you're willing to give it and then whatever it can steal or guilt. It is a desperate, dying place that can't do anything for itself. It is the vampire of towns – completely incapable of caring for itself and taking the parasite route.

I think a lot of the frustration and anger I have is tied to my job. It was okay for a while. I could make-up for the colossal amount of suck in my job with the good things in other aspects of my life. But, this place likes to excel at negativity. It's started to bleed-over into the rest of my existence. I can't do anything well or right because I'm distracted by the anger and hate that I carry for this place and am no longer able to put down.

I define myself by my job. It's not the best way to be, but it's how I work. I'm good at what I do. I love what I do. I don't want unearned (or even earned) praise, but a bit of respect would be awesome. And I don't even have a drop of that. I see others getting to do so much more professionally, and my hands are tied. Not in a fun way. If I stay here, I'll just get stagnant and bitter and old – if I ever want to leave later, I won't have the skills to do it. I am dangerously close to obsolescence right now.

I've got to go.

There will be casualties. Not the ones people expect. Our geography is a casualty, and one that I know I'll regret. Part of me insists that I need to be near you. It's not too freaked-out yet because I'm not going anywhere as of right now. We'll see if that changes. I'm betting it will. You are what ties me here.

But I listen to you, too. I have been listening this whole time. Really.

We are fine. We're going to be fine. We will be fine. It will all be okay.

I am useless to you dead – mentally, emotionally, or physically. I can't be any good to myself or to us if I can't function because I hate a full half of any given day – and the other half, I'm either sleeping or fuming.

This is good. This is right. This is strong. Fuck geography. This will outlast it. I mean, yes, there won't be so much face-to-face – not until you get better internet. But is that what this is based on?

You distract me every day, whether I see you or not. If we communicate or not. You are will me, regardless. I'm upset that it has to be this way. But I'm not worried, and you shouldn't be scared.

Pas.

Things That Can't Go On...

Don't.

Well, that's what I've always heard.

I don't know what's going on, with you, or me, or us. You said you had to gut through some things. I guess it's time for all of us to either crap or get off the pot, as the saying goes.

I'm not afraid of change, but I am afraid of screwing up. We deserve sanity, at some point.

The thought of being without you close by scares me. There, I said it.

Post Number 100

That's what it said, anyway.

I want to know how to get my thoughts straight again. I used to have everything figured out. What the hell happened? I don't even know where to begin.

I'm sorry for the late weirdness. I even thought being away from you, both virtually and face-to-face, might help me in my search for answers. It didn't. Instead, limerance took over.

Thoughts of you still creep in when I least expect them. You linger in my soul like no one ever has.

Affection...

I like the comfort we are developing. It's different than it was. It's never been strained, but it's easier between us now.

What a weird damn ride this is.

Stay safe. I need you in this world.

State of Things, 2nd Anniversary

Two years into this, here we are.

This last year was made bearable by you, and us. This last year sucked in so many ways. Deaths and near-deaths abounded. Other relationships ebbed and flowed, waxed and waned.

Yet this, this inconvenient little sorta-secret of ours, it just waxed, it seemed.

So, now what?

I tend to believe in "tipping points." I think at some point, something will have to happen. No shit, right? But, it's figuring out WHAT that something is...

I also tend to believe in love and the power thereof. And, God and all the saints, I love you. So, I continue to live in faith, believing in the mystery of us. Thank you for year two.

And the Distraction!

I'm stuck thinking about how to manage more time with you.

Today, I had to revisit several of our places, and even manufactured a reason to do so.  They're not as delightful as they are in your presence, but the shade of us was still there. 

This weekend, I would think of the shape of your fingertips and be useless for hours.

Guilty as Charged

I like when you challenge me on statements I make. You make me confess, even when I've tried so hard not to.

I adore you with every beat of my heart. I have trouble hiding it. In fact, it may be impossible.

I like making evidence with you. It seems like the right, but wrong, thing to do. Oh, how I love the mixed bags of life!

Evidence

The rain washed your hand prints off of the trunk of my car.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

So, Now What?

I imagine Glurg the caveman or Krurga his woman sitting around asking the same question.

That's the frightening part of life...the next step. Change is scary, sure, and this place (metaphorical or literal), with all of its problems and so on, is at least familiar. "What's next" is uncertain.

I don't know what's next for either of us. It bothers me, and I try not to let it. For all my blather and bullshit about "everything will be just fine" and "whatever happens, happens", I'd feel better if I knew what might happen.

I want both of us to be happy. Beyond that, I'm clueless.

Do you have a clue I can borrow? Please?

(By the way, when I'm writing heavy stuff, it always amuses me to see the examples they use for labels for the post....scooters, vacation, fall.)

Happy New Year!

I really just wanted the first post of 2012. I'm petty and competitive that way.

We already talked about how some issues are too big for resolutions. I guess, then, it was a goal I stated to you when I said I wanted to find more moments of happiness.

Thanks for being part of those moments. Here's to a much better year!