Holidays and Such

So, here we are....holiday season part 2.

Last one featured, if I'm remembering right, your brother's texts.

It just doesn't seem like Christmas. I don't even think awkward texts would help.

Let me just say that this year was, mostly, shitty, outside of us. There were some moments that were awesome, though. I especially enjoyed our most recent afternoon, bench snuggling.

We are stumbling towards some changes, and part of me wants the pace to quicken. I know, though, to be thankful for what I/we have. And, as always, I mean that in all aspects of our lives.

So, I am thankful, even if I am always guilty of wanting more. I am also more and more thankful for little moments and little things. So, anyway, Merry Christmas, and here's to a better New Year. We deserve it.

...And Madonna

Yep. That was Johnny Depp.  Bless his little Kentucky heart.

"Something's better than nothing, yes, but nothing's better than more..."  (Madonna)

I get it.  I do.  It would be awesome to just be normal.  To interact normally.  To move through this and allow it to just be what it is.  I don't see that happening.

Coming from a different angle, weekends are never long enough for me to get what I need to get done finished.  I still have a list of distractions and necessities as long as my arm.  There's no end to running a household, and only being able to do it part-time means weekends are a whirl-wind of cook-clean-care that's supposed to make-up for the rest of the week.  Add to that emotional trauma I'm subjecting myself to, and you're right, weekends suck.

Give it a year.  Or eight.

Johnny Depp, philosopher?

Isn't that who you quoted?

Anyway, weekends are difficult on me, especially when I think you're having a rough time.

My thought of the day is this: I think it sucks we can't experience more of life together. I'm always thinking of things it would be fun to share with you. Instead, I just have to make good use of our stolen time, the best way we can.

Something's better than nothing, right?

Feeling Like a Tick

We have to be careful about how and how much we touch, but being near you and not touching you is way more disorienting than it should be.  Even after you leave, it distracts me.  How can contact be so intoxicating and grounding?

A Day Which Will Live in, um, Some Big Word

So, um, yeah, I really want you.

That's all I have to say.

A Little of This

Eh, I can manage the preparation.  You hold responsibility for place.

These next few months, with things messy, well, I don't want to over-complicate.  If we need to be public-only, that's fine.  I understand.  You need the best footing you can possibly have.  I'm not thinking about the friendship side of this -- that's well and good and perfectly appropriate.  You need someone outside of your social sphere to unwind to.

Remember you're not in this alone.  Of course, that's true on the "how far to take this" side, but it's also true on the frustration/pre-regret side.

What I Woke Up With...

besides some frustration :)....was a scary thought. What if, as an old man, I were to look back on this time and realize I had made a huge mistake not trying to pursue what is making me very happy right now?

I know it's more complicated, and we've hashed out the complications over and over. I just think I was having pre-regret.

Regarding preparations, I am very willing to take my share of responsibility for preparations, but I know how particular you are...plus, I don't want to be too presumptuous.

No pressure, no regrets.

I'm afraid the next few months will be very messy. Pardon the completely unintended pun.

Not a Girl Scout

But totally wish I was.  I would have been more prepared.  :/

Thank you for what was possible.

Well, if that wasn't a dry spell...

I need to find something better to do with my passwords.  This shit isn't working.

I've missed you.  Well, here at least.

I'd like to say some things, and I'm not sure if this is the appropriate venue, but I'm going to go for it anyhow. 

Sometimes just knowing that you exist changes the timbre of my day.  I feel we are in this really amazing situation, but it's fragile and it isn't real.  It's not something we can share, it's not something we can just throw around casually.  It's fragile from the outside, that is.  From the inside, it's pretty much eternal.

I mean, who else would forgive me for some of the things I've said recently?  I guess there are people out there who would forgive me for saying them, but you forgave me for giggling -- sometimes hysterically -- afterwards.  Really, how much stronger can you get than that?

But, I also know you're in a place right now.  A place that is similar to my own, but far more dangerous.  You have more to lose.  Mostly because you're dealing with a level of crazy that I can only imagine and you're a pillar.  You have to do what is right.

What is right may not be me.  I know.  Horribly disappointing.  I just want you to know that I'm not clinging hard-and-fast to the eight-year-and-two-month schedule.  I have an odd feeling that I'll always be here -- whether you can be or not -- and I'll always be available to you.  The delightful and liberating part of that is that there's no "put your life on hold for me" coming from you.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do and the shit between us?  It'll work out.  We'll fit into each other in exactly the way we're supposed to.

And that?  That total lack of pressure (aside from the physical kind) is probably the healthiest thing in my life right now.  I need to underscore that you've said everything I've just said to you to me. And I return the statements, pretty much as is.  There is only so much drama a person can be expected to take.  And we have our own drama between us -- maybe it's more of a tension, but you get the idea.  There is no need for us to be complicated for each other.  We can just be and this will just be and it will all, stop me if you've heard this one, be just fine.

That's everything I have to say.  What I want to say is:

These last few meetings we've had have been intoxicating for me.  I'm sorry things are happening the way they are happening for you, but even with all of that mess, I still enjoy being near you more than you could ever imagine.

Apology and Confession

I apologize for the semi-drunk text the other night.

Notice I didn’t say I was sorry, or that I was drunk, but I apologize for any consequences to the texting.

I was with people, people I even like, and I just had to make contact. I was beneath a beautiful sky with an awesome fire and good whiskey, and I just needed you. I was lonely, but not alone…I was lonely for you. There you are, I imagine, trying to fix things at home, and here my dumb ass is, texting you to say hi.

And I know it’s wrong, and I know I shouldn’t put that on you, and I know a billion other things. I just can’t reconcile it. I’ve tried. So, just to you, I'm once again confessing my love and my like and my desire for you.

October

Almost a year and a half into our admission of our mutual fascination, what the hell do we have?

It's a difficult question to answer. I mean, our statuses haven't changed, and some of the taboos remain. Yet, we are closer than most married people. It is very strange.

In some ways, it's like we're standing still. Individually and collectively. The old status quo. Yet, change is all around us. Paradox!

Anyway, I love this time of the year. You dread the cold. Eh. I stay warm regardless. I look forward to our moments of stolen/misappropriated time. I crave our conversations, electronic, telephonic, or in person.

I friggin' adore you. Happy almost Halloween!

(Sorry for this disjointed lurch of a post. It's zombie-ish.)

The Death March

I have no idea if you even check this anymore, now that you've lost your password and all. I do, still, obsessively. I'm just that way.

Your friend's comment about your walks being like the Bataan Death March really amused me, especially considering our surroundings.

Sometimes, in that place, it's like time stops, and I know there are still text messages and the occasional other intrusion, but that place doesn't seem like reality. It is an escape, I know.

I guess maybe we don't have a future in the traditional sense. I guess where we are is all we'll ever be. Maybe it's unavoidable, or fate, or some other philosophical BS. I don't know.

I stay angry at myself these days, and I think that's what you've been picking up on. I'm angry because I refuse to deal with difficult things. I make excuses like, well, lack of time, or the consequences being too difficult, or not wanting to ruin everyone's lives.

As I've said before, I have these brief moments of clarity when I see what I believe is going to come to pass. Sometimes, these thoughts are seemingly overly negative, even if they are spot-on more often than not.

I see us trying to be true to our commitments and us not being happy about it. I see something catastrophic happening before we ever have the courage to be happy, and I'm not implying a future for us in the place of our other relationships. No, I do not read palms or tea leaves on the side. ;)

I don't know what you'll ever want from me, and that bothers me less than maybe it should. I meant what I said today: you really underestimate your place in my life. That place is reserved, whether you want it to be or not, whether it can ever come to fruition or not.

I love you, even if I shouldn't. I like you because you are immensely likable. I want to be around you. I enjoy you.

That's enough, I guess.

Autumn Begins

I get a little anxious in the spring and in the fall. It's that whole changing seasons and transitions thing. Maybe it's the caveman part of my brain.

I so desperately want to see you and spend time with you, just us, alone. Maybe it's an escape from reality I want, I don't know.

It's been a year and a half of this. It seems more and more like a reality unto itself. Maybe I should call it my never ending lameness? Ha. Maybe so. Or maybe we can call it being patient with our lives. I hope it's just that. Nuclear options are scary.

Well, maybe one day soon you'll find your password. Or maybe a new identity. Or we'll get caught and publicly branded with a scarlet A.

Deep crimson is a good fall color, anyway.

More Observations at a Random Time

I realized something today that was a bit shocking to me. Of all of my relationships, the one we have is probably the most satisfying and comfortable one I have.

I have friends, and a wife, and family, and all that...but what we have is honest and somehow, it made sense when I thought this, pure.

I'm relieved you let me know about your blog absence. I thought there was a problem. Or maybe you found some foreign guy to amuse you. It seems to be going around...

I'm looking forward to our next adventure.

August Afternoons

You know I hate hot weather. And cold rain on my sides. And not being around you.

But, it's hot, and I'm away from you, and I feel really anxious. And needy. And selfish for wanting time with you when you have so much going on.

Oh, and I need to tell you this: I don't think you're feeling neglectful of me, but if you are, don't, because A. you're not and B., well, things are just the way they have to be. A person can only fill herself up with so much. That sounded vaguely dirty.

I have two dreams to tell you about. One mine, and one not mine.

No apples this time.

Difficult Times

I feel insane at times. Many aspects of my life, your life, our life, our lives are so, well, complicated? Difficult?

I needed our conversation yesterday more than I thought. I am bad about withdrawing from people when times are hard, so thanks for encouraging me to talk.

Our relationship is awesome. I have faith. Honest.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye

...like a big pizza pie, that's...

So, you heard someone talk about love and loving for love's sake and loving completely, and it resonated with you? And someone else disagreed with it?

Hmmm. I'll avoid obvious comments here.

I think our conversation about it inspired me to be happy with what I/we have and to avoid wanting things that may never happen.

Being with you, talking with you, knowing you, and just loving you is enough. It makes me happy to love you. I'm just human, and I'll always want more, but I want to be a joy in your life and not a source of turmoil.

Have fun in your travels. I heart you.

That Time of Year

These long, hot days away from you suck.

I woke up thinking about you, and us, and what can be and what maybe can't be.

I didn't come to any conclusions (do I ever?), but it seemed like a good excuse to try to be inspired to write something.

The sun is coming up, the mourning doves are doing their annoying little concert, and a mosquito just bit the piss out of me. That's all I can come up with.

And, as always, I long for you.

Happy Memorial Day.

Perspective

Life-and-death moments are great, aren't they?

I honestly believe, for the only time in my adult life, I tried to make a mortal deal with the Big Man that day. Here, despite what you have heard, was the extent of the exchange, and it went silently:
"I'm not done with her. If someone has to die today, let it be me."

It's even out of line with my theology, but desperate souls say desperate things. All the beauty and fun-ness that is you being gone in a heartbeat was more than I could bear.

I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, either. I just wanted you to know. And I needed the space of several days to avoid the dramatic. (Hence "perspective".)

I know we're not promised tomorrow (individually or as a "couple"), but I can't imagine my life without you ---well, at least you being alive, somewhere, regardless of what the future holds.

Words from a mortal can't express my feelings about all this, so I'll stop. Warm fuzzies are all I can come up with.

I Hate Privet Hedge

It's overly sweet. It makes me feel allergic, even if I'm not the allergic-type.

But, really, these days, it blooming reminds me of our upcoming break from each other.

We have these great collisions, and then these great troughs away from each other. High highs and low lows.

I just don't know what to think. I try to enjoy the moments, the now. Tomorrow or next Monday or forever seems so far away.

It is sufficient...

Any time, any contact, any of it, it's sufficient.

Thank you for another memorable day.

Surprises!

When you surprise me, you really surprise me.

You did that Friday. I like your expressions of desire more than I try to let on at first, and I fully encourage you to continue with the surprises. I know I’m in a good sort of trouble when you get a twinkle in your eyes. I like the honesty.

I want you constantly. I physically ache for you like no one else, ever. Ever.

Yes, I understand what you’re saying in your last blog post. As I’ve told you before, I don’t think it matters in the court of public or not-so-public family opinion how intimate we are…we’re guilty as suspected in their eyes if any of this ever comes out. I want to touch you, right now, and as often as I can, and I don’t think consummating anything would change that or salve the itch, either. I want you to be comfortable with the decision more than anything, though.

Yes, I’m beating a dead horse.

I have a whole other set of thoughts about the way my emotional side of this is changing (nothing bad, my sweet Eris), but it might have to wait a day or two for my thoughts to gel. Suffice it to say that I increasingly feel all the good things I’ve ever felt about you.

Queen of the Obvious

You make me feel better.  You make me feel more alive.  :/ 

I have a hard time reconciling being honest and not being able to express my feelings for you in the ways that seem most natural.  It's wrong.  But acting out is certainly not right.  Our spouses -- and wider families -- do deserve some sort of say in the matter.

Thank you for yesterday.  I enjoy you.

April Silliness

Yes, I'm silly. Absolutely silly. For some reason, the smell of azaleas makes me think of you. Warm days in spring? Yep, those, too.

I don't know that I deserve more, and you're right that anything is sufficient. I remain patiently and quietly devoted and silly and all that stuff.

Everything's going to be OK, right? Isn't that what I say? I say that to myself when my heart wants to explode from being torn in so many different ways on so many different subjects.

Don't Rule-Out the Nuclear

I'm just empty.  I'm not really trying to do anything, I'm tired and raw and broken and tiny.

I'll get over it, and you probably shouldn't take it personally.

Some days, I don't know that anything has really changed.  Other days, the thought of being near other people makes me want to crawl into a hole because things are so different.

You deserve better -- even as a friend.  I know.  You'll take what you can get and if this is it, that's fine.  :)

Just in Case...

I forget to tell you, I'm proud of you trying so hard with everything you're doing. While there is a selfish side that wants nuclear activity, I really respect what you're all about.

Really.

So, Why Am I Up in the Middle of the Night?

Well, I guess mostly since I just got back from the big city.

I'm also anxious. Spring does that to me sometimes. I know it makes me want to take on new things, and sometimes throw out old things. Generally, it just means that change is in the air. Or the wind. Or the wings. Whatever the damn saying is.

I just need to see you. I'm sure of that. Nothing more. I just need to lay eyes upon you. I can't make sense of anything else that I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling it. It doesn't even matter what happens in the course of conversation, really. I guess I'm just needy or desperate or mixed-up. And, maybe a bit fearful. Separation does that to me.

I'm sorry if this is more-angsty than usual. I wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and how hard it is for me not to call you or see you when I want to, and how I wanted to hear from you all night, and here I am in the middle of the night, alone, wanting you to know I'm thinking of you. Yes, I said the same thing twice in the same sentence.

Another Rough Week Made Easier

It seems like a curse living here, sometimes. For all the magic and mystery, sometimes we just get slammed with tragedy upon tragedy.

But, this thing we have makes my life easier and happier and all-around better. This is generally where I thank you, so here it is: thank you.

Any words of love I might be able to come up with don’t do this justice, so I’ll refrain right now. But, as the days get longer and warmer, maybe our stolen moments will speak for themselves.

I’ve missed you all weekend. I know you’re busy, though, so no worries. I hope I’ll see you this week.

I hope we have plenty of time together in the near- and not-so-near future.

Slight Course Correction

You know, you're right.  It's not been an awful week, considering the potential.

I'm not fed-up with your lack of resolution.  Please consider that I haven't been alone with you -- I can't be too invested.  We were close enough with the "two years to get to second base" comment, which, while it may not have been directed at us, was placed to elicit some sort of response.  That's what I need to be detached from.

And when my counterpart goads you into some sort of action, I'm, strangely, left with the ethical dilemma of egging you on along side her or making sure you are tempered enough to not end-up burned-out (literally), dead, dismembered, or otherwise crushed.  Yes, you have to make changes.  No, you don't have to go in all hot-headed and pissed-off.

Our lives are these distorted reflections of each other.  I'm hoping to not manage to get where you're at.  Which seems like using your marriage to canary my own. Selfish and self-centered.  But that's not quite what's happening.  I still feel guilty and evil.  All-around.

Even with that, I enjoy the time we steal.  I like you.  I enjoy our time together.  And this will manage to survive regardless.

Reading Material:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

http://www.slate.com/id/2286240/

I disagree with bunches of this.  Sure you will, too.  It'll give you something else to be angry at. :)

A Pep Talk?

Weeks like this one are why I think THIS is so awesome.

This week has been busy, and our schedules have been off, and I had my bit of sadness, and all the lunchtime drama. But, we still had our moments of conversation, or a private look, or a surprise blog message.

I feel you’re fed up with my lack-of-resolution about my situation at home, and I don’t blame you. In fact, I’m thankful you care so much about my happiness.

I’m frustrated at your situation, too. I don’t understand why it’s ok with you for him to blame you for your attitude changes or generally treat you like a little child in need of constant supervision. Once again, I care about your happiness.

I suppose patience is the key. I remain ever-thankful for you, and for us, and all the little moments we are allowed.

Still, patience is hard. Hell, life is hard, but I think people just make it hard for themselves. I know I’m reaping the results of years of inactivity and well-intentioned but misguided choices. That’s hard to admit, and acknowledging the problem doesn’t make it any easier to confront or solve or fix or whatever action verb follows. The future is a wide-open land, full of possibilities.

Wear your daffodil...

...and do the little things.

I'm sure this isn't what St. David meant. ;)

Another Thank You

Our afternoon together was wonderful. You are wonderful.

I'm trying to enjoy moments without wanting for more. I've heard accepting what you have is a good step towards contentment.

Being content with you is easy. It's the jarring return to reality that I dread.

Anyway, thank you. My dreams were full of sand and rocks and big blue skies.

The Challenge

You ask me what I want.

It’s so hard. It’s the hardest question I’ve ever been asked.

You see, all of the options are so damn heart-wrenching.

I don’t want to callously destroy my home. The thought of what it would do to my son, and even to my wife, is crippling.

But, I want to be happy, and I’m not. I feel trapped in a situation where I can’t rock the boat without losing what little I have and totally destroying my son’s life. I feel like I can’t even face the problems right now.

I still haven’t answered what it is that I want.

So, you asked me what “this” has to do with the bigger question of what I want.

I want to be able to love you without a constant internal struggle inside both of us. I want to kiss you, to touch you, to be with you in any way that happens, to be seen with you, to spend time with you, to have normal moments with you, without the worry and guilt and grave consequences. Yet, I know, and you know, what that wish would really mean: nuclear consequences. I feel ghoulishly selfish for even saying I want something like that.

The simple truth of how I feel is this: I still feel an obligation at home, and I have moments of happiness and nostalgia, and I really feel like I need to try to at least make a good effort to solve the problems she and I have. I don’t think that precludes or excludes what we have, as it is now. I think the rest of what I want (see first two sentences of last paragraph) will come in time. Inevitable? Irrevocable? I suppose so.

I want to enjoy what I have with you, as it is now, for as long as I can. I need your friendship and support more than ever, and I enjoy you as always. And, yes, I love you in a way that’s dangerous in its depth and breadth and passion and soul-shaking nature. Patience is needed.

Having said that, I’m also always willing to do what you need. If you think we need to avoid this situation or that situation, well, we can. But, you know I always want more of you…time, touch, experiences, attention, and so much more. I want us to stop fighting being happy and just BE.

You can keep the plastic dish, or recycle. It's all good.

Have fun at lunch. ;)

Argh.

I have every intention to living up to your challenge.

Once I figure out how to get this plastic dish back to you.

Making lunch plans with your wife for next week.

The Best Laid Plans

We need to talk about plans. Face-to-face or via blog or via email, I don't care.

Our plans aren't necessarily co-dependent, but I need plans. I feel increasingly trapped. Not by our situation, but by the rest of life.

I like multiple options, but mostly my goal is to be happy. I'm tired of the stress I'm under.

Why are we fighting happiness so damn hard?

I need to answer that.

Perhaps More Appropriate...

Totally blaming you...

Being all angsty myownself...

(My Own) "State of the Relationship" (Part II)

I shouoldn't have read yours first.

Honestly, what could I possibly complain about?  Wich a few tiny complications that I can't -- and won't -- do anything about, you are the man of my dreams.  And I'm glad you allow me to put the severe limits on this that I do.  Otherwise, I'd be unable to hanle it.  At times, it's overwhelming enough.

It's been a fantastic ride.  One I didn't see coming.  I still don't know where I stand and I can't find my seatbelt.  A voting portion of me knows that the "right," "good," "best, "kindest" thinkg to do is to stop.  But at the same time, another voting portion argues that we're not doing anything wrong adn that not seeing you wouldn't stop the feelings, which are wrong (and complicating) and something I can do nothing about.

My goals for the next year:

1. Maintain a non-nuclear status.
2. Take up your ",", (,) slack.
3. Quit being all freaked-out and weird.
4. Encourage you to make decisions that make you happy.
5. Talk less and make you talk more.

Thank you for bending time -- and for not getting pissed that I can't remember the details in order.

My Report, One Year In

The State of the Relationship, I am happy to report, is very strong.

In my opinion, at least it is.

I’ve learned a lot in the last year (but really ever since I met you), about all sorts of things, and I’m a much better person for it. I’m more tolerant, patient, and faithful. What an odd admission on so many levels.

I believe we complement each other well. While the adjective “perfect” is a bit much, I think “this" is a nice fit. Perhaps we would have problems galore if we HAD to spend time dealing with daily problems, or life changes, or whatever, but perhaps not. I go with that.

But, that’s a moot point, for now. I value what we have, and I’m curious as to what’s next.

Is what we have enough? Sure. I can’t worry about what’s next.

I treasure our moments together, our conversations (virtual or otherwise), all of it. I have to live in the moment, and moments with you are awesome.

So, that’s the good part. I suppose, with any review, there should be a “room for improvement” part. (God, I hate using so many quotation marks and parentheses.)

So, ideas for improvement:

1. Reduce quotation mark/parentheticals by 25%.

2. I need to stop self-editing so much. You deserve to know what I think.

3. We need to find ways to spend time together without invoking nuclear solutions.

4. We need to discuss what might happen in different scenarios for the future. I like plans a-z to at least be in the mental filing cabinet.

5. We don’t need to over analyze what’s going on. That gets in the way of the enjoyment.

I love you. You make me joyful. Thanks for the last year, and more.