Happy New Year Back

Looks like the craziness will continue.

Thanks. Not for the craziness. For the rest of it.

Auld Lang Syne and All That

I can safely say this has been the strangest year of my life. There have been a lot of life changes, which sounds so damn cliched, and a lot of surprises, both good and bad.

But this, this wonderfully insane thing we have going, this has been the biggest surprise, and I thank you for that.

I want so many good things for you, and me, and us, and sometimes those things can't all happen at the same time, but I have faith in us.

Whatever "us" means.

So, to my sweet goddess of discord, who brings so much comfort and pure joy to me, I wish a Happy New Year! I remain intoxicated and infatuated, and I hope it never ends.

It's Almost a New Year

Things are pretty OK in my world, except the stressors you already know about.

I know we're charmed. I think it's amazing how I feel just as close to you when we are states apart as I do when you're an hour from me. Of course, nothing compares to being with you.

I think you underestimate how well we could, if things were different, deal with the things that make people's lives crazy. Here's my turn to appeal to your sense of faith.

I have stories for you. I need to see you.

I hope the new year is kind to us. I have to believe it will be.

Holiday Break

I hope things are cheerful in your world. I don't want this to sound Scrooge-like, please take this the way I mean it. Read my mind. Ask. Do whatever you have to do. :)

We are charmed. We are charmed in ways we can't even imagine. But I think one of the reasons we get on so well is the complete lack of everyday life in our interaction. Here are the Holidays. Here are the Holidays and we are nowhere near each other. We are dealing with the family and general stress on our own. We don't have to cope with inlaws, family, travel, or food.

We'll just get together when it's all over and swap stories.

Neat.

Charmed.

Travel safely and return to me ready to talk.

From the Edge of the Abyss

I found our apple information. Just in case dreams ever develop. I like having a bit of planning in the chaos. Apples are so chock-full of symbolism. Anyway, there are some really exciting fruit options. Between that and free-range, grass-fed chickens, I hope to eke out a subsistence level of existence.

So, from the edge of the abyss, I am thankful for the offers of help and general encouragement. I've been stagnant for too long. One day, the lion always wakes and roars. Or, if you prefer bear imagery...whatever. ;)

I don't know about the pace of change, really, but it's on its way, no doubt. It'll all work out.

I'm counting the days until I can just see you.

Apples Without Frost

That just sounds awful. But I got used to other things not needing frost. I tend to like to pay for my sweet up-front.

Change is something I'm all about. But I'm a big fan of chaos and growth. This feels like a ledge. A chasm. I'm never ready for the big stuff. And I've had enough, recently.

It's coming for you, isn't it? Fast. Do what you need to do. You may have a perfect chance - or something you can't ignore. Let me - us - know if anything can be done. I want to help - and so do other people.

You have the more difficult holiday ahead.

Comparing Apples and Apples and Clouds

I'm sure we could find a more suitable variety of apple for this region. I know a bit about the subject, but that's what the internet is for. Herbs, now, I can do. So can anyone with a pulse. Of course, you say you have a black thumb, so who knows.

It was cloudy, here, too. I watched part of the eclipse on a live internet feed.

I'm very discombobulated these days. I hope I can keep my shit together through the holidays. I hope you can, too.

You know, I really don't know about this "signs in the heavens" theme, but about this topic of change perhaps I do know something. It's something that happens every day, it's something that's inevitable, yet most everyone I know lives in absolute fear of change.

It's the pace of change we're debating. That's all. Oh, and I love you.

Details on Apples

Apples grow where it snows and are full of poison.

Looks like it will be too cloudy for me to watch the eclipse, but I'm going to try. I think this is an important time, but I can't figure out why. Things are going to change.

I'm missing all of my stability - you're part of that.

On the Eve of the Solstice

Somewhere, in the middle of your updates from the road amidst the complications of my day, I realized I yearned to be with you in a way I'm not used to yearning for anything.

For the record, I like apples. I also like herbs. Apples don't tend to grow all that well around here, so maybe that's a sign, also.

The moon is bright, and if the clouds don't interfere, we'll see a blood-red moon tonight.

A friend told me last night that he had decided the best days were ahead. Maybe this lunar eclipse-cum-winter solstice thing is a sign. Perhaps.

You've told me to live by faith and to embrace some chaos. I am trying, yet I long..no, I yearn...for the certainty I feel in your presence.

So, as the moon and sun both get reborn within the next 24 hours, maybe I'll take some encouragement from them.

Fever Dreams

In my mess of fever and sleep, I kept having two dreams.

The first dream I've had before. I own an apple orchard. It's a familiar spot, with a simple farm house and a pavilion where the fruit is sorted and sold. It smells like leaves and apples and rot. Normally, other than myself, I don't know anybody. But I came from the back of the house and looked into the pavilion. You were sitting on one of the tables talking to a bunch of folks about the herb garden we were putting in.

The second dream was just us at the [insert river]. Me in it up to my knees. No mosquitos, no turkey.

Assessing Risk

I want to risk mailing you while I'm away.  I know it's not wise.  I won't do it.  E-mail and texting and this?  All of these are safer and easier.  I just want to know that you will be touching something that I touched with the intention of you holding it in your hands.

The Pot and the Kettle

You're right, they do need to either be more secretive or just come out in the open with it. Oh, wait...

It's a damn shame we have to hide our reality. Really, it's like trying to hide a candle under a haystack. Eventually, the hidden flame erupts, and the whole damn barn flames up. Everyone around knows then.

I guess we have to watch that wick.

Responding to the song, I guess... well, damn. We both know better, but what do we do? Isn't that the ever-present question?

They do, in fact, make songs about our situation.

Posting Without Waiting for a Response

Well, no written response.

Our mutual friend interrogated me fairly well about my life yesterday. It was the whole "what do you want? /what makes you happy?" thing. All sorts of life questions. She's awesome.

We skirted the issue of you as long as we could. It doesn't help that she can read my mind. Yes, the girl actually reads my mind. I'd think something specific, and she'd give me a specific response. It's strange. It's a good strange.

I, of course, admitted I have feelings for you, and the complications thereof. She told me not to feel guilty, to stop beating myself up about it, to embrace them. She swore it was up to me to tell you about the conversation. I didn't say a word about anything mutual between us, or any activities, or anything other than my feelings for you. I said nothing about your feelings.

I felt bad about it, until I realized she already knew...so why bother with the charade, so long as she maintains our confidence? And, that's why I was so careful to only talk about me and my feelings. I don't pretend to speak for you, nor will I ever.

It was a great day with her. We were together for almost 4 hours. We Google chatted after that.

But, damn, I missed you. That's how I know it's you and not this. She's charming, and talented, and beautiful, and all sorts of wonderful things, and I had a great time with her (and in different circumstances I would be willing to have a super-great time with her, wink-wink, nudge-nudge), but she's not you.

She asked if the time with you was worth the pain it causes. I said yes. No matter how complicated, no matter how wrong in the eyes of the world, my moments with you are worth it.

Faith? How About That!

I’ve been having some awkward conversations with people close to me about the future. It seems almost every aspect of my life (professional, personal, familial, you name it) has this unstable quality that is making people nervous….myself included.

I, too, would like stability, but getting there seems awfully painful, and it also looks like a lot of collateral damage. Is the decision really whether I want to be happy versus the status quo continuing so as to not upset anyone? I know I’m speaking vaguely, but I hope you can fill in the blanks. That’s the best I can do without giving names and details.

I’m not so naïve as to think that your existence in my life does not color my attitude. It does, and I’m aware of that. So, it’s not like I’m looking for an alternate world with you in it as the replacement for all things crappy here. That’s silly, and, well, would be presumptive on my part.

I, too, am going to have to have some awful discussions soon. Yes, I’m waiting until after the first of the year, if I can, so as to not ruin the holidays. But, life is too short to feel like I do, with my only moments of joy coming in brief moments with too few people and with me feeling generally pessimistic about life.

I’m a big believer in free will, so I’m ecstatic when you use words like “voluntary.”

I say thank you a lot, and you always seem a bit perplexed by it. What it means is that I promise to never take a single moment of this for granted. That’s all.

Take it on faith...

You have the right -- the responsibility -- to say whatever you're thinking to me.  We lose this the second we compromise on the full-disclosure thing.  I mean that.  Even if my butt looks big in these jeans.

Did you change my mood intentionally?  Did you think before you acted?  Considering the contact we had just pulled away from, did you think that one achingly tender thing would make such a difference?  The fact that it's still a switch with me tells you the number of opportunities I've had to build-up a resistance.  It's like you saying my name -- nobody says my  name.  Not unless they're trying to get my attention.  You say my name like a curse -- or a prayer.  It will always be uncomfortable.  It will always be perfect.

Avoiding you has worked so well in the past, I don't know how I could resist it.  :)  In a town this size, deciding to limit my contact with you -- ending it isn't really an option -- only leads to frustration and levels of emotion I am ill-equipped to handle.  I will see you, and it will be messy.  Likely inside and out.  It's safer for me to decide we're going to handle this like adults and discuss where it's going instead of stupidly leaving it up to our hormones.

Okay.  Now the big one.  What do I want?  I want to be happy.  I want my life to have some sort of stability.  I have some awful discussions in my near future -- not with you.  But, I'm getting there.  Trying to use my words.  Always re-assessing to see if I'm requiring too much.  Trying to express that I thrive with some level of neglect.

And what do I get from you?  Pretty much what you get from me.  You listen. You bring me joy.  You expect nothing from me, and I expect nothing from you.  The great pleasure of this illicit situation is that neither one of us can make demands of the other.  We have no right.  You can't tell me when to be home and I can't nag you to feed the dog.  In a sense, our other responsibilities mean we are unable to commit to each other in any way that isn't completely voluntary.

I volunteered for this -- confusion and heartache and high school and all.  I can't help who I love, no, but every time I see you or talk to you or touch you or write here, I'm volunteering for the complication.  The situation is complex, the stuff between us is simple.  And it's part of what I want.

The Waiting is the HARDEST part ;)

(I'm adding this after I wrote the rest of it. I mean what you're about to read, but I'm not making ultimatums, nor am I wanting anything to change. I just had to get a few things off my chest. It's a little harsh, but not at you. Maybe raw is a better word than harsh.)

I find lots of things weird about our situation, so us refraining from fucking is just one in a long list of issues. That being said, it makes perfect sense to me why I only push you to a certain point. If I didn’t care about your mental (and physical) well-being, I would push harder. I wouldn’t care about regrets, or consequences. I would satisfy the beast(s) within, or get as close as I could. I want you, and I’ll make no apologies for that, but I can’t hurt you.

Your boundaries and other complications, well, it’s unavoidable. It’s not like I walk into this blindly every time and get blindsided. Your mood change was expected, as well.

I’ll go along with whatever you think is best. If you think it’s a bad idea to see each other alone, so be it. I’ve told you: I can’t have you regretting us more than you already do.

I wasn’t upset yesterday. Well, I wasn’t upset with you yesterday.

I have no right to say what I’m about to say, but just fuck it. Here I go:

I don’t understand why anyone would want to put a collar or a leash on someone they say they love. As someone who has endured repeated attempts at it, I just don’t get it.

I understand him wanting you, I understand him needing you, and I sure as hell understand him being obsessed with you.

I just can’t imagine trying to tame you.

So, if you need to avoid me, I understand. I do. I won’t like it, but your happiness means more to me than most anything in my life these days.

But, promise me this: before you decide that, ask yourself what you really want and/or need in your life.

You ask me that, and I stammer and turn various shades of red, and look at the ground sheepishly. I’m asking you that, not because I demand an answer, but because you do.

You see, I understand what I get from this. With the exception of my son and a few other things, not much besides you gives me any joy.

But you, I don’t get what you get from this. You have a guy who, in his own fucked-up way, adores you, even if he doesn’t get how he should treat you. At all. Fucking clueless. You’re alluring, and beautiful, and charming, and just awesome, and you have awesome friends, and a pretty good life. So, why even mess with me?

This is not an attempt to fish for attention or compliments. It’s me being honest. You don’t need me. I know this. So, you do what you need to do.

I love you, so do what makes you happy. Remember my question that needs to be answered.

You have no idea how much I love you.

I'm sorry this is complicated. It shouldn't be.

Squish

Yeah...  We're going to have to start thinking really hard about if we need to spend time alone.  Do you find it weird that we aren't fucking BECAUSE we like each other?  If I could decide to never see you again, this would be an easy decision.  In the moment, I have a more difficult time deciding it's not a fair trade.

After getting that close -- what?  Three layers of cloth? -- and backing off, and my mood turning so very quickly, which I'm sorry for, by the way...  And the talk about where I'm at, geographically...

I was afraid I had upset you.

I expect you to deal with a lot.  The teasing, the boundaries, the complications specific to me.  The new gadget was probably too much.

That being said, the man puts a collar on me every day.  It was only a matter of time before he found a leash.

The Slippery Slope

So, what are we going to do?

You do smell fantastic. I had you on my skin all day.

You're yummy.

What a day. What a near-escalation.

Intoxication at its best.

Drunk

I am dizzy with you caught-up in my clothes.  Every time I move, I catch your scent.  And someone came in and said, "You smell fantastic today."

No. ;)

I can turn off my wants.  My needs?  Not so much.

Did you like how I managed to fit you into my morning?  It was what I needed.  I wanted to have all sorts of inappropriate contact, company and condition be damned.  But that was just a want.

Is my reaching-out and being nice to your wife making things better or worse?  I would do just about anything to take some of what you're dealing with away, but I don't have a road map and she's so focused on being hateful right now.  Nice, huh?  The way I blame this on her.  To be honest, I only blame her for her own shit.  Nothing more.

But I can't see how she can look at you and be so damned inappropriate.  For a wife.

Is Wanting the Same as Needing?

So, you asked me again what it is that I want. I was a bit distracted at the time by the need (want? desire?) to nail you in the front seat of your car. We refrained. We're honorable people like that.

I still don't have an answer about what I want. I know there are things I desire, deep down, that seem impossible to have. To get specific (for a change) I desire you. Time with you, meaningful time, time without negative consequences. My time with you is not only recharging, it's liberating. I can breathe for a little while.

But, keep asking that question. I'll have an answer for you one day, and maybe the course of events will cooperate.

I can't stress to you how important it is to me that you have as few regrets as possible with this. The thought of causing you pain is unbearable for me. Make haste slowly.

Meanwhile, remember I am patient, and I love you.

Limits

As long as I keep sticking my tongue down your throat?  Anything I want?

Most awesomist relationship ever.

We need to keep talking.  Keep hashing through things.  I know I'm far less comfortable than you with this entire situation -- I appreciate your patience and want to keep us on the same page.

Time with you is recharging.

Exhausted.

I'm empty.  But I'd totally make you a mix tape.

Limerence for Dummies

Yesterday was a rough day for both of us, for reasons unrelated to us.

Sure, you spelled out your situation without any room for misinterpretation, but it's not like I didn't know that stuff. I'll get back to that in a moment. That's small potatoes.

That presence of yours, (see title of posting), that omnipresence you've become, that's what makes so many of the issues/problems of my life endurable.

You don't try to fix things, you don't try to fill me full of platitudes, but you just simply care about me and my problems. That's all I need.

Back to your posts:

I know your situation, and I would never even suggest that I want to compete for loyalty levels or some such. I'm happy with what I have with you, but I always want more, whether I can realistically have it or not.

The song lyric listings are more amusing than they should be.

Oh, we are almost legendary already, but people have so far had the decency to keep their mouths shut.

Since That Worked

I suppose I can manage a real response.  :)

I have no idea what you want.  I don't know what to tell you when you ask me these questions.  As strong as my opinions are -- you can attest to this after today -- this is something you have to decide for yourself.  Without my influence.  You have to consider what you want independent of my role in your life.

My own life is unlikely to change in the near future.  I don't want to lose my marriage, and the physical stuff would matter to him.  I can love you all day long -- as long as there's no touching -- and he's fine.  The second it becomes physical, there's a problem.  And yes, this would have to stop if he found out.  Have to.  I've spent years building this.

I adore you.  I love you.  I'll always be devoted to you, and, if I'm good, we'll always have this anonymous line of communication.  I married him and I need to do what he wants.  I'm a woman of my word, and I gave it to him.  We are a household.  A family.  Because I threw my lot in with his, I have an obligation -- and he deserves it.

You and I, in my mind, are as constant as he and I are.  I'm happy when I'm near you.  In a very real sense, we belong to each other.

This answers nothing.  It merely solidifies a certain level of mud in the water.

This would have been less complicated had we met more than a decade ago.

We would have been legendary.

Test Post: The Guilt Playlist

Lyrics that have turned on when I turned the key in my ignition either directly after seeing you or while you were still standing there, in no particular order:

• "Half in the shadows, half in the husky moonlight..."
• "Take it easy baby, make it last all night..."
• "I'll build the houses if you dig the graves..."
• "I set 'em there, right before you..."
• "I'm so into you, but I'm way too smart for you..."
• "I am the patron saint of least favourite children..."
• "Do you know that I still have your stockings?"
• "More fun than a loaded gun, and every bit as dangerous..."
• "These lines of lightening mean we're never alone..."
• "I love you deeper than I can swim..."

More later.  Mostly making sure this thing is working.

Does Everything Have to Be Complicated?

The answer, of course, is yes.

You asked me last night what I really want. That, coming from you, is perhaps the hardest thing anyone has ever asked me. I mean, I generally have answers for everything, but since I can't fool you, well, I muttered something about "you know what I want," hoping you'd tell me what the hell I meant.

I feel like it doesn't really matter what I want. I can't imagine our future(s) clearly. Are we really going to be like this for the next year? Two? Five? Ten? Who knows...

What will change in our lives outside of this?

I have no idea. You've told me you aren't going anywhere, yet you've also told me you'd end this if your husband found out about us. I also know if my wife found out about this that my marriage would be over with. Somehow, I don't think me telling her I still love her would matter if she were to know how I feel about you.

Once again, the lack of a real physical component to this wouldn't matter. I'm just saying for the record. I mean, we sometimes get fixated on that debate, so I thought I'd put that out there again. ;)

For those reasons, and so much more, I try my best to enjoy our moments. I love you, and I can't help that.

Atlas Shrugs, and Maybe Shudders a Bit

Oh, yes, the old "responsibility" issue. I'm either to take the blame or solve all problems around me. I mean, no one else will, so...

That little paradigm has gotten very old. What do you do when you're completely out of steam, out of ideas, out of money? What do you do when all you really want to do is be irresponsible?

I want you to think of our perfect days in our secret paradise. Think of the flowers, and the trees, and the moss on the stones, and the breeze, and the sky, and you, and me. Those moments are bittersweet. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but...still.

Because, back here, in the real world, I realize I can't be how I want to be with you, because the world is watching, because I have to watch how long I look at you or how close I get to you or how I say things to you. That was the sadness, the distraction. And I know you want to comfort me, and comfort yourself in the process, and it seems we can't do that.

I'm more grateful for your existence than I could ever express, so I won't try right here. I guess I'll go find something beautiful and dead and think of you. :P

(In my more lucid moments, it occurs to me how teenage angst-y this is. Jeesh.)

Total Lack of Clarification

And bugs.  Don't forget bugs.  And, well...  Let's just say dead stuff in general.

Always seems like more of a dog thing to me.  I am an incredibly loyal scavenger. I'm most comfortable in a pack -- one I can protect, but a pack just the same.  I think you have an overactive responsibility gland.  You are the cats you love -- the ones who feel obligations to families.

Yesterday, you just seemed miserable.  Deeply sad.  Distracted.  I wanted to hug you or sit very close to you and try to siphon-off some of it.  There wouldn't have been an appropriate situation for that.  I'm assuming that this is what heartbreak feels like.

No Focus, Part Deaux

It's hard to write about things I once felt. So, if I sounded raw last time, well, please excuse my raw memories of a time way in the past.

We've always said this relationship was a friendship first and foremost. It's odd for us to treat each other as equals, but I think we've tested each other over and over.

I'm a bit disjointed this morning. There are all sorts of things floating about in my mind. I did have one revelation, though:

You find it amusing when I say you have feline qualities. I've finally made sense of it.

You see, unlike most of my circle, the needy canines of my existence, you are a creature of free will. Sometimes aloof, and sometimes affectionate, but always full of love...not the love that demands something, but the love that is freely given, and on your benevolent terms, and I just have to have trust and faith that you always have our best interests at heart. And I do. And it makes me feel vulnerable and raw and excited and thankful and alive.

Oh, and you like dead birds. ;)

Lack of Focus

Purposefully ruin this friendship?

If things changed rapidly and horribly, this would be one of the best friendships I've ever had.  I'd sacrifice the rest of it, honestly and completely, if I thought we were heading towards not being friends.

I know this has been an exercise in trust for you, too.  We're not standard issue when it comes to gender behaviors.

No focus.  Stabby-stabby.  ;)

The Best Offense is a Good Defense

I didn’t really intend to refer to you as her, except during the introduction. That was for whatever poor fool happens upon this thing, if they ever do. I’m just glad I can still make you blush.

I don’t really think you sound like the hostile half. I think you sound like the other side of a couple that can’t be a couple trying to make sense of a weird, inconvenient, and insanely intense situation.

So, where were we?

Oh, yeah. How this all started.

Maybe we over-analyze matters of the heart. My mother has always told me you can’t help you love, but I’m not sure she had this in mind. Still, I do think it was unavoidable. I was devoted in a weird sort of way long before the first kiss. I was intrigued by you long before that, and I was challenged by you even before that. I also thought there was no way you would ever deign to my advances. Honestly, I thought you were just enjoying the tease, testing my boundaries, only to snap at me in a horrible way if I ever took you up on the challenge.

I thought, my dear Eris, you were purposefully trying to ruin our friendship. In my paranoia, I figured we had become too close of friends, and probably your husband had found out, and maybe my wife, and you were trying to make it obvious to me why we couldn’t continue our emails and conversations.

I guess I was wrong.

Well, anyway, there’s still this issue of feelings versus expression of feelings. I know I sound like a villain saying this, but I’m not sure anyone would buy our “lack of physicality” defense. I mean, the crime would be the illicit feelings and emotions. Whether we acted on them or not would be, really, beside the point. It might make us feel better, or more moral, or more good-spouse-ish, or whatever, but I’m not sure anyone else would buy it.

I get to use expletives.

Do you think you are capable of betraying me? Is it really one of your concerns? You know, betrayal takes two sides. What you look at as betrayal I see as simple necessity. We have no choice but to behave responsibly when we are around others – I don't care to be hung for a crime I haven't committed.

And that, for me, is where the story begins.

I suck at secrets. I don't want to complicate your life, or mine. I have made promises, and your presence makes those promises difficult to keep. (I have a hard time using “him” when I've already created an alter-ego for this mess. I'm here for you and will address you as such. Though reading “her” makes me blush.) How I feel about you doesn't lessen how I feel about my husband – or my pets or a really good cheesecake, for that matter. It merely increases the number of things that bring me joy.

And I have a hard time seeing where that's wrong.

Should I attempt narrative? I don't have your eloquence.

It all started with “oh, shit.”

Sure, there were glints before then. Times when I flirted just a bit too much or our conversations connected a bit too easily. We have always felt – even in the times before we were admitting to anything, even in the times before “like” was an option, when you still thought I was bitchy and I still thought you were arrogant – like co-conspirators. I have always seen you as a partner in crime, a colleague, an equal. Maybe like Greek men didn't see their affairs with men or boys as anything like their affairs with women. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps this works because you aren't my spouse. It's distinct and separate because we aren't spouses and don't behave that way. We're not trying to fill holes with each other.

So, back to things.

I might have crawled across a table knowing exactly what I was doing.

I might have pressed a political argument knowing exactly what I was doing.

I might have seen the warning signs, but I was unprepared for you to call and ask me to stop by. The tone changed. The feel – even over the phone – was different. I knew if I did as you asked, things would never be the same.

And I hung up the phone and said, “oh, shit.”

Where do you go from there? Unavoidable? Really? I've built my life on the idea that while I can't control my feelings, I can control their expression. I am a rational being, and as such, can control all actions that aren't reflexes.

Last I checked, you weren't just whacking me on the knee.

Wow. I sound like the hostile half of this. :)

Introduction to the story, part 1

This is not a typical love story, but it is a love story.

I doubt most people could get past their own judgmental natures to see the beauty of this love story. Most people would call this an affair, and affairs aren’t generally feel-good stories. Stories about such things make us face our own doubts about monogamy. But, this isn’t your typical affair.

It’s easier to say what it’s not than what it is. It’s not about sex, it’s not about wanting to leave a spouse, it’s not about wanting to disrupt the world. It’s, for me, about love, but that sounds simplistic and maybe a bit disingenuous when so much is on the line.

You see, I didn’t mean to fall in love with her. There wasn’t a day I woke up and had some sort of revelation. It was a gradual process that now seems inevitable and unavoidable. We’re both married, and obviously not to each other, so this development is not exactly the best case scenario for either one of us.

Of the six years we’ve known each other, we’ve just admitted (to each other only and now to you...shhhh...you're in on the secret) our special status within the past year. The build-up started in the last couple of years. She’s fascinated me for longer than that.

She haunts every second of my consciousness unless I willfully keep her out. I crave contact, real or virtual, constantly. I keep mental lists of things I must tell her. I’m addicted. I’m intoxicated.

I have no defense.

Other people know, or suspect, we’re more than just friends (though no one has said as much), but I don’t think anyone would believe we are not having a fully physical affair. I’ll try to make sense of this later. Maybe she'll help. Still, does this little detail matter? Would it matter to our friends and families, let alone our spouses?

So, what is this thing, this inconvenient yet delicious undertaking? I'm still not sure, but it's still early in this experience.

Also the first post

This blog may resemble public evisceration. How fun!

So, Eris, how should this begin? Should I proclaim my love now? Should I just jump into the story?

Or maybe this little tidbit is the way to handle it:

I drove by you today, and I couldn't stop to say hello. It felt like betrayal. In the midst of a life full of problems, the biggest problem I had at that moment was the need to see you.

First Post

You've been invited.  Yeah, it's all public.  I can make it private, if you prefer.  Depends on if you want to log-in to see it.